After
by Julbie
Summary: Chapter 11 is up!
1. Default Chapter

She finally said it.   
  
Those three little words were going though Spike's mind as the light within him consumed his body. The pain was nothing, and even as he was reduced to ashes he kept on laughing, because she finally said it. And maybe, she did mean it... just a little. He decided, with his very last thought, to believe her.  
  
And then there was nothing but darkness...   
  
...for a little while.  
  
***  
  
I'm glad it was you.   
  
  
  
Spike was slowly coming back into consciousness. It was still pretty dark, but there was sound, a familiar smell, and someone was sitting beside him.  
  
I said I'm glad it was you. I kinda always wanted to meet you.  
  
Finally things were coming into focus. However inexplicably, Spike was sitting at a bar. There was a drink in front of him; his favorite, outside of blood. The man sitting beside him, saying things that made no sense, was wearing a shiny purple shirt, a zebra skinned vest and a black leather hat.   
  
Spike said, finally. This can't be heaven.   
  
Why do you say that?   
  
Because no one in heaven would dress like you.  
  
This seemed to agitate the stranger. Ya see, that hurts me! What is it with you vampires? You think you're the last word in fashion? I have my own style.  
  
Well, it's very... you. Spike rubbed his head. It was a little fuzzy, like he'd already had a few. By the way, who exactly ARE you?  
  
Name's Whistler.  
  
Oh. I used to have a picture of your mother in my drawing room.   
  
Whistler laughed sharply. Again, I'm insulted. I think I'm gonna like you.  
  
Spike took a sip of his drink, savoring it before...   
  
You're not the curious type are you? Whistler observed. You haven't demanded to know why we're here, what's happening, not even what happened to Buffy.  
  
I know Buffy made it, Spike stated, casually stirring his drink.  
  
Really. How do you figure?  
  
Spike turned to Whistler with a small, proud smile. Because I know Buffy.   
  
Whistler took this in and, after a moment, shook his head. Wow. I gotta admit, I'm impressed. I didn't think I'd be this star struck, but you really live up to the legend.  
  
Spike's smile became his evil grin. A legend? Me?  
  
Oh, come on! Whistler pounded a fist on the bar. He seemed a little tipsy himself. You have to know you're the first vampire in the history of... well... vampires, to do accomplish anything even close to what you've accomplished.  
  
Spike's smile faltered. What? You mean the soul? You really aren't very thorough are you? If you're looking for legends there's this git in L.A.--  
  
Oh, me and Angel go way back. Whistler interrupted. But that's not what I mean. You were a bad guy, a serious full-on villain.  
  
I prefer Big Bad.'  
  
Right. The Big Bad. Whatever. But you changed up! You switched teams! By choice! Don't you know how huge that is!? Whistler was so excited he was leaning into Spike's personal space.  
  
Spike backed away slightly, a little wary of where this was leading. So... is this my reward, then? One last drink in a bar with an oddly dressed stranger before shipping off to Hell?  
  
Whistler swatted the air. Screw Hell! We've got plans for you, my friend.   
  
Uh, oh.   
  
Spike didn't like the sound of that. He was ready to go. It was his time. His last moments with Buffy left him feeling a sense of peace and contentedness. He had a very long life and was a right bastard throughout most of it. He did a little good toward the end there but now he was supposed to die and go to Hell where people like him should rightly end up. Instead there were   
  
Who is Spike eyed him suspiciously.   
  
Whistler sat back a little, regaining his air of mystery. A little group called The Powers That Be.' Maybe you heard of   
  
Did they ever tour with The Clash?  
  
Whistler frowned. I'm sensing a reluctance to participate, here. And it's hurting my feelings. He took a drink.  
  
Chuckling, Spike said, Sorry, mate, but I have heard of the powers that screw with you and whatever it is, you can count me out. I'm done. Given a choice between an eternity in Hell and what's behind door number three--  
  
Not even to be human again?   
  
Spike stopped, tilted his head, What are you talking about?  
  
Whistler looked discreetly over his shoulder, and leaned in to speak quietly with Spike.   
  
Spike squinted at him. Sam's shoes?  
  
Whistler shouted. It's a prophecy. A vampire with a soul is supposed to fulfill his purpose on earth and then you know... get the reward. Being mortal.   
  
Spike tried very hard not to have a reaction to this. And... you're certain you've got the right guy? I mean, I'm sure Angel is all kinds of purposeful down there in L.A. He's got his dark avenger thing and his brooding... He's got a soul and he had it first, much longer than me. Done a lot of good with it too, I hear. I didn't even--  
  
Oh for the love of Pete, blah bitty blah blah blah. Spike spun around looking for the origin of that familiar voice. He found Anya, sitting on the other side of him at the bar, sipping an apple martini.   
  
Anya! You too?  
  
she sighed wistfully, They got me, the bastards. And I was doing pretty well there for a while. Pisses me off.   
  
Spike was confused. ...but... you already were human. I don't...   
  
Euchh. I'm not going to be human again. I've had enough of that crazy roller coaster ride. It's for the birds if you ask me. Although, I guess birds can't technically be classified as human so that really doesn't make any sense... Anya got momentarily lost in her own thoughts before realizing Spike was still looking at her. She flashed him a brilliant smile. Oh, but I think you should do it! Go, humanity! She whacked him really hard on the back.   
  
Spike turned back to Whistler, hoping for some type of explanation.   
  
Yeah, Anya has a different kind of fate in store, he began to explain.  
  
Anya leaned over Spike's shoulder. I'm gonna work for the Powers like this little man. Keep the balance between good and evil. Except I will, of COURSE, look much, much better doing it.  
  
For some reason the powers think she's got more charm than me, Whistler said as he wiped his nose on his sleeve. I ain't seen it yet.   
  
Well, she charmed the pants right off of me once. Spike grinned at her. Anya blushed and swatted him playfully.   
  
After a moment, she got a distant look on her face and sighed deeply. I'm really going to miss having sex.  
  
Silence.   
  
More silence.  
  
Whistler cleared his throat. Yeah, so... what's it gonna be, Spike? You taking this deal or what?  
  
I don't know, mate. Human? I'll be bloody useless, won't I? I don't know if you've heard about what I was like as a human, but it certainly wasn't the stuff legends are made of.  
  
Dude, you're not going back in time. You'll still be you... just human. With a hundred and thirty years worth of memories and experience. And, I dunno, maybe a little something extra.  
  
Spike squinted at the man, What do you mean, something extra?  
  
Whistler bit his bottom lip, thinking for a minute, then, Ahh, I can't tell you. I shouldn't even have said that much. You have to make the decision without my help. But I... I just really think you'll want to do this.   
  
Will I get to see Buffy again?  
  
He can't tell you, dumb ass. This was from Anya. You have to go into this blind, those are the rules.   
  
Spike raised an eyebrow in her direction. I think you may need to work a little on your charming powers of persuasion.   
  
You're doing it, aren't you?  
  
  
  
Well then shut up and get going!   
  
There was a pause while Spike let his quick decision sink in. After a bit, he looked up at Anya and his eyes had a little shine to them. Softly, he said, I'm sorry you died. And I'm sorry if I ever hurt your feelings... back when... I...  
  
Anya cut him off by kissing him on the cheek. Don't say goodbye. We'll see each other again. She smiled and added, If you're lucky. She hopped off the stool and looked over at Whistler. I'm counting this one as mine.   
  
The bar surroundings quickly faded and Spike was standing in a white room. Whistler was gone, but Anya remained, diaphanously. She said one thing before finally disappearing into the white. With a soft, wavering voice she said, Take care of Harris for me, okay Spike? And then she was gone.   
  
***


	2. Chapter 2

***  
Spike turned around a few times, surveying his surroundings. There was nothing to see but white and more white.   
  
"Okay. Now what?"   
  
Just then, he heard a sound like... an elevator ding? Doors opening? Footsteps. Okay, usually now would be the part where his vampire senses would tell him if it were human or demon, danger or prey. He tried to listen   
harder, to concentrate, but all he heard was his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. *Well... that's new and distracting.*  
  
Suddenly, something in the white began to take form... a large black form... a large, black, stupid, irritating, pointy-haired form.   
  
"Hello, Spike."   
  
Spike just stared, open-mouthed.   
  
Angel tried not to smirk. "Guess, I'm the last face you were expecting to see here, huh?"  
  
Spike turned away from him and screamed at the top of his lungs, "ANYAAAA!!"  
  
"Spike! Take it easy--"  
  
"AANNNYYYAAAAAAAAAA!!!"  
  
"Hey!"   
  
Angel grabbed for him but Spike yanked his arm away. "Get off!" He inhaled enough breath to allow for the bigggest scream for Anya yet.   
  
"Spike, you're gonna have to calm down before I take you to see Buffy."   
  
He let the breath out, soundlessly, and turned to Angel with a distrustful eye.   
  
"What is this, a prank? You and your mate, the organ grinder's monkey, having a laugh at my expense?"   
  
"I wish."   
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"   
  
Angel was losing patience. He had known this was happening for about a week, but had to keep under wraps and not let on even after Buffy and her friends wandered into the Hyperion that day, tired, wounded and grieving.   
  
He couldn't say anything, just in case... in case they got it wrong. But, he thought about it every night, when everyone had gone to sleep and he was alone again. He thought about it every time a he saw the look of sadness   
pass over Buffy's face when she thought no one was watching. He alternated back and forth between thinking it was ridiculously unfair and thinking it made   
perfect sense. Today was a sensible day, but he was slowly losing his grip on the positive. "Spike. I realize this is confusing for you, but all of your questions will be answered if you just shut your hole and come with me!"   
  
After a long, dramatic, insulted pause, Spike simply shrugged and followed Angel out of the white.   
  
***  
  
Angel and Spike walked through the lobby of Wolfram & Hart. It wasn't as bustling this afternoon. It was Friday, and people always knocked off early for the weekend. They were under new management and Angel didn't run the tightest of ships. The beheadings for sneaking out early had ceased despite Lilah's strong protestations. "Give `em an inch..." she had mumbled, but Angel   
had grown quite accustomed to ignoring her.   
  
As the odd employee passed by they would greet Angel as always, but their eyes were firmly locked on Spike.   
  
"Good... afternoon, Mr. Angel."   
  
Spike snorted a laugh. "Mister Angel?"   
  
"I'll explain later."  
  
"Well, be sure to include why everyone is staring openly at me as if I have ten heads."   
  
Angel smirked and without turning to him, he said, "Maybe they think you're Billy Idol."   
  
Spike frowned at him. "Oh, very funny. You're just jealous because the only celebrity you look like is Mr. Potato Head."  
  
"Stakes and stones..." Angel sang, good-naturedly.  
  
"Well... hello, sailors." Both men stopped and looked up to see Lilah walking down the staircase from the second level. "Look at the two of you..." She walked directly up to them, her eyes dancing over them lasciviously. "Damn,   
you guys must have gotten a lot of play back in the old days."   
  
Spike grinned. Angel just sighed, "Lilah, Spike. Spike, Lilah."   
  
She put out her hand in an old-fashioned, victorian gesture. "Charmed, I'm sure. " Spike took it and bowed formally, as William was taught to do with   
unmarried ladies. This caught Lilah off guard and she lost a little cynicism for a second. But just a second. She turned to Angel. "Good work, Boss. I was sure   
when you said you'd be the one to fetch him that he wasn't getting out of that room alive. Two men enter, one man leaves..." she winked.  
  
"Lilah, is the briefing room ready?"   
  
"Shined the table with my own spit just this morning." Lilah beamed. Then, in a sickeningly sweet voice, she asked, "Would you care for some coffee, sirs?"   
  
Angel rolled his eyes and jerked his head in the direction of a dark brown double door just off the lobby. "Let's just get this over with."   
  
Spike was still grinning at Lilah. He liked her. She seemed like someone he could go out and get pissed with. "Guess I'll be seeing you around the water   
cooler, then. Eh, luv?"   
  
The low rumble of Spike's voice made Lilah pause and appreciate. Then, "Actually, I'll be joining you in the debriefing-- " Spike's grin broadened. "I mean... uhhh... the meeting." She took a moment to right herself as Angel was almost audibly grinding his teeth. She turned to him and smiled, pointedly. "I wouldn't miss this for the world."   
  
The three of them started toward the briefing room with Lilah lagging behind a little.   
  
In a hoarse whisper, Angel said, "What the hell is that? You're flirting with her? She's dead, you know."  
  
"Well, who wasn't at some point," Spike whispered back. "And that's not flirting, Peaches, that's just how I talk."   
  
"I'm telling Buffy."   
  
"Oh bite me--" He stopped suddenly. "We're really gonna see Buffy?"  
  
"In a bit."  
  
Spike inhaled sharply, suddenly very nervous and wanting to turn back. Their last moment together was damn near perfect. He didn't think it was right to go   
on after that. Actually, the truth of it was, he was afraid to find out what happened next.   
  
"God," Lilah squeezed between them. "What is it with this Buffy? Makes everybody go all weepy eyed. She's just a woman."   
  
"No, you're just a woman." Angel said, with a little more venom in his voice than was intended. Lilah was sufficiently silenced. She shrugged past him and   
opened the door.   
  
It was a great big conference room with hardly anyone in it. Those who were, Spike didn't recognize. Standing at one end of the table with a huge, open book in front of him was a man with peircing eyes who Spike decided looked   
like a cross between Indiana Jones and Rupert Giles. Sitting in a chair nearby was a waifish looking woman with kind eyes.   
  
"This is Wesley and Fred." Angel gestured toward them.   
  
Spike looked at the man and then the woman. He then asked, "So which one is which?"   
  
"I'm Fred," the waif offered, smiling big. "Winifred Burkle. A-and this is Wesley Wyndam-Price."  
  
"A watcher." Spike deduced.  
  
"Used to be."  
  
At this, Spike raised an eyebrow. "Another washout, eh? Well, I guess you'd be the one who knows what's going on around here."   
  
"Actually, that would be me..." From behind a wall meant to conceal the coffee area, stepped Giles himself. "...the *other* washout."  
  
Spike was very surprised to see him... wasn't quite ready to see him. But there he was, the magnificent bastard himself.   
  
"Hello, Rupert."  
  
"Spike, sit down."   
  
As much as he hated it, an order from Giles, however softly toned, was hard to disobey. Spike sat in the nearest chair. Angel and Lilah sat on either side of   
him.   
  
Giles took off his glasses and sat near the head of the table. There was a long, thought filled pause, while Giles decided how to begin. Finally, he spoke. "You have to understand that I had to be sure."   
  
Spike was confused. He looked over at Angel who seemed sadder than before. Angel did not look up to meet his eyes. "I don't understand. Sure about what? What are you doing here? Where's Buffy?"   
  
"I know you have a lot of questions, but I have to start at the beginning."   
  
It took a minute, but Spike nodded and settled into his chair.   
  
Giles glanced at Wesley and continued. "When I went back to England, the second time, after... Willow's trouble... the Watchers Council phoned me and told me that somewhere in the world, a vampire had gotten a soul. They only   
had that slip of information, they didn't know who or why... but I did. I knew it had to be you."  
  
"It had to be you..." Lilah sang quietly. She looked around to find nothing but impatient expressions pointed at her. "You know, `cause of the song... from   
`When Harry Met Sally'... yeah okay, sorry." She looked down at her folded hands again.  
  
Wesley turned toward the window to hide his smile.   
  
Giles continued to the rapt attention of Spike. "I knew it would be you as much as I knew why it was you. You'd gotten your soul... for Buffy."  
  
Spike couldn't meet Giles' eyes.  
  
"And I was furious."   
  
At this, Spike looked up. "Why?"  
  
"Because you didn't deserve her."  
  
Spike looked over at Fred and looked away. The pity in her eyes was worse than the insult from Giles, who continued to release his ire.  
  
"After all you'd done I wasn't about to let you wave a magic wand and think everything was going to be all better. That she would be yours because you   
went and made some gesture..." Giles was getting worked up at the memory. He paused, calmed and continued. "I was about to come back to Sunnydale to find you and then all that business with The First started happening. I had   
more important things to do than worry about you... but, I did have time to make a phone call."  
  
Giles turned to Wesley who stepped in as if tagged. "Giles remembered a prophesy, specific to the vampire with the soul--"  
  
"The thing with the shoes?" Spike asked and Angel gave him his best *you're an idiot* glare.  
  
"Shanshu," said everyone else in the room, in unison.   
  
"Right." Spike nodded, trying not to be the berk of the group. "I know all about it. That Whistler fella filled me in. I'm human. I can tell that. I kinda have  
to pee, actually. But Giles, I don't understand what it has to do with you?"  
  
Giles pulled the book closer, then turned and lifted it so Spike could see the pages. On one of them was a drawing of the amulet he was wearing when he died. "Recognize this?"  
  
"Ahh yes, the fabulous accessory from Liberace's incendiary collection." Spike rubbed the spot on his chest where the amulet burned hottest as he remembered what had only been, for him, an hour or so ago.   
  
Giles nodded, "I called Wesley about the prophecy, asking if he'd known anything about it, working so closely with Angel." Angel shifted uncomfortably in his chair.  
  
"And..." Wesley picked it up again, trying to avoid Angel's eyes, "I had exhausted all my resources, so I mentioned it to Lilah, before... well I mentioned it to Lilah and..."  
  
"And I did some digging and found out that if the prophesy was not fullfilled by the end of the day on May 20th, which just happened to coincide with a major astrological event, the hellmouth in Sunnydale would open and the earth   
would be over-run by evil," Lilah finished, then added, "It was pretty dire."   
  
"There were... indications... that The Slayer had to chose... who... who was worthy of the Shanshu." Wesley could not even look in Angel's direction.   
  
"So..." Lilah took up the slack, "It was getting down to the wire because we'd all gotten kind of... distracted around here. We figured we'd have to give it a  
little push. The amulet was here at Wolfram & Hart. Surprise, surprise. I gave it to Angel along with the Sunnydale file , not really mentioning the Shanshu   
clause, because... well we were afraid if he knew it would... influence... anyway... she gave it to you instead, which I think is just hilarious... and  
now you're here. End of story, really."   
  
Spike's eyes never left Giles throughout all of this. "So it was a test," he said quietly.   
  
Giles looked into his eyes and nodded. "If you had killed Wood, she would not have chosen you."   
  
"And the abandonment of Buffy..."  
  
"I didn't orchestrate it, but I let it happen to see if you would go to her."  
  
"Well, it's a lucky thing I did you manipulative old tosser!"   
  
"I had to be sure," was Giles only response.   
  
"Well how do you know you were right!" Spike stood up so quickly he knocked his chair into the wall behind him. "I don't know if you told your mates this, but on that day everyone got chosen. There were a million slayers right there in Sunnydale, not to mention the ones off in parts unknown. How do you know it was Buffy's choice?"  
  
"A slayer of uncommon heart and strength, returning twice from inevitable death, will love the vampire who won his soul and choose him as her champion," Wesley read aloud. "It's a rough translation, but it's fairly straightforward. We, only had the vaguest of information before Giles found this text in England, but, now that we do..."  
  
"It all comes together." This was from Angel, still sitting quietly in his chair.   
  
Spike whirled on Angel. "How can you of all people say that? Okay so it was her choice, but it's not the right decision. She doesn't love me... she..."  
  
"Yes she does," Angel said quietly.   
  
Spike was quiet for a while, taking this in. Then finally, "If she had known, she would have chosen you."   
  
Angel stood before Spike. "Would she?"   
  
"You're just going to let me take all of this from you? Without a fight?"  
  
"Yeah," Angel said with a tone of resignment as he slipped his hands in his pockets and gave his trademark shrug, "I think I am."   
  
Spike looked around at all the faces in the room. None of this made any sense. He felt like he was in the twighlight zone. HE was supposed to be the   
second rate Angel, not the other way around. How had things gotten to this point? He wasn't sure he'd earned any of this.   
  
Spike looked from Giles to Angel and back again. "Buffy is gonna be sooo angry."   
  
"Well," Angel clapped him on the back, "the good news is that now you get to go find out."  
  
***  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

***  
  
Spike's head was spinning as they left the briefing room. There was a tense silence hanging in the air.   
  
Fred broke it. So... uh, Spike? Do you still have to pee? Cuz the bathrooms are just up here on the left.   
  
Spike gave her a grateful smile. He hated to bring it up again, himself. It was just a big glaring reminder of what had happened to him. Ta, love. Thanks. Ill just be a second, then... I hope.   
  
He jogged away from the group and was about to enter the mens room when three young men came bursting out, clearly in the middle of a lively conversation.  
  
What are you, high? Legolas is totally superior. He's from a superior race, he's got the cool weapon, and come on... the hair! This was from a tall, nerdish fellow in a white lab jacket.   
  
Yeah, and plus, Aragorn is so dirty. I mean, he washed up from the river in Two Towers and he was even dirtier. Whats up with that? This from a shorter boy that Spike could not see, although he thought he recognized the voice.   
  
Ahh, youre both crazy. Aragorn's the real hero. Don't you see? Hes just a man. No powers, no superior race... just a guy with a sword. And look what hes accomplished! You dont snare Liv Tyler by being the second banana. There was no mistaking that voice.  
  
  
  
Xander turned around.   
  
Andrew stepped out from behind Xander. He sucked in his breath, Holy crap! Spike! Without warning, Andrew leapt forward and threw his arms around the former vampire. Oh my God, we thought you died.  
  
Spike was rather uncomfortable with this turn of events. He gave a crooked grin over Andrew's shoulder and patted the small boy a couple of times on the back.   
  
Andrew pulled away, sniffling and wiping his eyes with his sleeve. Im sorry. Its been an emotional time for me.   
  
You and me both, mate. Spike gave him a friendly smile. He then turned his gaze to Xander.   
  
So, youre back.   
  
That I am.  
  
Bonehead move you pulled with the dying. Although it did save us all, so I guess I have to give you credit for it. Xander stuffed his hands in his pockets and shuffled his feet, suddenly aware that everyone was now watching their exchange. Angel and his bunch had caught up to them.   
  
Well, I didnt do it for you, so you dont have to thank me.  
  
Still... seems like the right thing to do.  
  
That's you, Harris. Always in the right. He and Xander locked eyes. Eyes! Suddenly, Spike remembered something. Hey! When'd you get your eye back?!  
  
Xander smiled for the first time. Just the other day, actually.  
  
  
  
I had help. Xander gestured to the young man in the lab coat. This is Knox, he works here. They have this crazy lab. He made it for me, there.  
  
Knox smiled and waved shyly.   
  
Spike nodded a hello, then stepped closer, peering at Xanders new eye. Does it work?   
  
Yeah, its even got a zoom feature. Xander backed away a little, still uncomfortable with scrutiny. By the way, your pores? Huge.  
  
Ignoring this, Spike stepped even closer, fascinated, Youre like the Bionic Man. He turned to Knox. You did this?   
  
Knox shrugged, Well, it was Fred's idea. He smiled at Fred who swatted the air, shrugging off the credit.  
  
Spike smiled at Fred and then turned back to Xander. That's bloody brilliant! How do you like that, Harris? You've finally gotten your superpower and now Im just an ordinary jerk.   
  
As opposed to the superhuman jerk you once were, Angel mumbled.  
  
Kindly piss off. Spike volleyed back.   
  
Xander's brows knitted. Ordinary jerk? Wait a minute... He focused on Spikes face, then zoomed to a specific area. Your temple is throbbing! Is that a pulse? Are you--  
  
Andrew finished, resulting in an overly dramatic gasp from Xander.   
  
Xander asked.  
  
Looks that way... speaking of which, I cant wait another minute. With that, Spike bolted into the bathroom.  
  
A confused Xander sought out the elder watcher. Giles? What the... how?  
  
It was Andrew who replied in a reverent whisper.  
  
Giles seemed peeved.Hang on. Andrew, YOU know about the ancient Shanshu prophecy?  
  
Andrew lost his far away gaze and smiled crookedly. Yeah, totally. I always wanted to adapt it for a comic book. I was even thinking of using Spike's look as a template for the main character... the irony, huh?  
  
All eyes were on Andrew now, in disbelief. Andrew shrunk away, uncomfortable with the attention.   
  
Giles shook it off and explained for Xander. Its a... a kind of... em... a reward. For a vampire who... has a soul and becomes a champion... of the slayer.  
  
Xander thought about it for a moment, cobwebs clearing. His eyes shifted to Angel who was standing there trying not to react. Xander's lips spread into an understanding grin. Ohhhh! Tough luck, eh, Dead boy?  
  
Angel frowned at him. You know, technically, I own your eye, he said menacingly.   
  
Xanders grin fell immediately.   
  
Lilah clicked her tongue and started to walk off toward her office. Much as I hate to give up a ring side seat to this blatant display of homoerotic sexual tension, I have an in box piled up to here. She pointedly leveled her hand at her neck, where a scarf concealed the scar underneath. She locked eyes with Wesley and smiled at his reaction.   
  
Spike reemerged from the bathroom.   
  
It was a pleasure meeting you, Spike, Lilah called to him. Im off to the salt mines. We should get together for a drink sometime and compare notes about the bossman.  
  
Spike smiled and nodded. Lilah turned and reveled in the fact that everyone was watching her sashay away.   
  
I'd better get back to the lab, said a slightly shaken Knox. I havent had this much excitement in a while. And I work with chemicals that could explode if I breathe too hard. He turned and shook Spike's hand. It was nice meeting you, Spike. I hope I see you again. Good luck with the... humanity and all. Come see me if you want to... you know... make things more interesting.  
  
Spike tilted his head, questioning.   
  
Well... I'm just... Im sure we can come up with something super-powery for a guy like you-- Knox caught Angels glare. Anyway, you know where to find me. He quickly made his escape.  
  
I should go, too, Fred said, without a scrap of subtlety. I... he might need me... to help him... with experiments and things. She shook Spike's hand exuberantly. It was very nice to meet you, Spike. Im sure Ill see you later at the hotel.   
  
Spike smiled sweetly and nodded. He was getting a little overwhelmed by all of these new people, all of whom were treating him... well... like a person. There was a bit of a lump in his throat and it made it difficult to speak above a whisper. Okay, yeah, Ill see you.  
  
And Fred was off.   
  
Nice meeting you, too. Spike added quickly as she trotted away.  
  
After a moment, he realized that Xander was staring at him.   
  
What is it now, my nose hairs need trimming?   
  
I was just thinking its good to have you back. Is that weird?   
  
Spike was stunned. Fully stunned. Yes. It is.   
  
Thought so. Xander put an hand on Spikes shoulder and squeezed. Lets go. I know someone who might want to see you.   
  
As they walked away together, Andrew followed behind, holding his hand to his chest and tearing up again.  
  
Angel rolled his eyes. Giles and Wesley brought up the rear, trying not to laugh.   
  
***  
TBC  



	4. Chapter 4

***  
  
The Hyperion was buzzing with life. That quiet, old Los Angeles hotel was now filled with new people. Mostly, peppy young girls with newfound strength.   
  
After Buffy and the gang had arrived, Willow immediately started telepathically contacting the new slayers. Giles decided that the large hotel was the perfect place for a mass gathering and more girls arrived every day. Some were excited, some frightened, some just curious, but all of them felt the incredible power that Willow and Buffy had bestowed upon them. At night, they shared stories about where they were when it hit them, and what they were doing.   
  
There were a few slayers that Willow couldn't connect with or who seemed to be refusing contact, which was inevitable, so Kennedy, Rona and Vi volunteered to go after those few who were trying to sneak over to the dark side.   
  
Some of the new slayers that fought in the Sunnydale battle had moved on, back to their families for the most part, to try and live normal lives. Buffy watched them go with a little sadness in her heart. Not because she would miss them, but because she knew they would be back.   
  
Not all of the newly arriving slayers were thrilled with their newfound gifts, either. A few asked what the return policy was on a thing like that. Buffy and Giles assured these girls that they would help them deal with their power as best they could, but the spell could not be reversed. Privately, Buffy sometimes wished she never came up with the plan in the first place, sentencing all of those innocent girls to a life of great responsibility. But if they hadn't done it, the girls -- along with everyone else in the world -- would have died... confused, afraid and helpless.  
  
Against Giles' better judgment, some of the new slayers who were battle tested decided to move on to Cleveland, to keep order on the Hellmouth there. They heard all the stories of Buffy and the Scooby Gang and actually thought it sounded like fun. They couldn't be stopped, and Giles worried that they were in danger without someone to guide them.   
  
It was Dawn who came up with the idea to form a stateside New Watchers Council of which Robin Wood would be a member. He would be staying on a few more weeks in Los Angeles to train as a watcher before moving on to help the slayers in Cleveland. Robin was glad to accept the job, learning always came easily to him and his cover as high school principal was damn near perfect. But he planned on prolonging his stay as much as possible to try and convince Faith to come with him.   
Faith, to Robin's exasperation, had taken to flirting with Gunn as a defense against any real feelings she might be having for Robin. At least, that's what Robin hoped it was. He remembered the first time the issue presented itself.   
  
They were just arriving at the hotel and Gunn walked right up to Faith with a big smile. Damn girl, you're looking good as ever. I think I missed you!  
  
Faith knew Robin was right behind her and saw an opportunity. She gave Gunn a sexy smile and moved closer to him with her hands on her hips and her chest out. Oh yeah? When will you know for sure?   
  
Robin stepped in, as expected, and put a territorial hand around Faith's waist. Who's your friend, Faith?  
  
Wood, this is Gunn. Gunn... Wood. She watched them both with amusement, because she could tell the lions had already started circling. Sometimes being hot was funny. Hey look at that. You both have names that are objects, you're both folically challenged, and you're both tall dark and fine. What IS a girl to do?  
  
That was a week ago.   
  
Gunn had been spending more time with Gwen lately, which was fine with Faith because it was the perfect opportunity to keep everything at the flirting level. Gwen was this chick with wicked-cool superpower who reminded Faith a lot of herself. That was reason enough to hate the crap out of her, but it was nothing a good ass whupping wouldn't fix. She knew Gunn was getting serious about Gwen, which suited Faith just fine since she couldn't seem to get Robin off of her own mind. They didn't have to know that, of course.   
  
Faith wasn't proud of the head games, but it was the only thing she knew how to do to keep herself... safe.   
  
That night, at the Hyperion, Faith was about to go on patrol with both Robin and Gunn. They started to get into a pissing contest over who would be her wing man which was cute for about three minutes and then no so much. She actually had to get between them and put a hand on each of their chests... their rock hard chests. Not at all trying to disguise the subtext, she cooed, Now boys, there's no reason to fight. I don't see why I can't just... use you both... you know, like, at the same time.   
  
Robin simmered. Did she actually think she was fooling him with this act? I'm sorry Faith, but I don't play that way. You're just gonna have to choose one or the other.   
  
Faith's mouth drew up in a wicked smile. Come on Robin, don't be a killjoy. How do you know you won't like something if you don't have a taste first?  
  
That girl is a harlot with a capital murmured Lorne, who was standing over by the office, chatting with Willow and Buffy.  
  
She's just... emotionally confused, Willow offered.   
  
Mmm hmmm. Lorne shook his head as he poked at the ice in his glass of Long Island Iced tea. Must be going around.  
  
He waited as Willow and Buffy both looked at him with blank expressions. Then, Lorne focused on Willow.   
  
Not for nothing, Shortcake, but you hum in your sleep.  
  
I do?   
  
Yeah, and your room is right next to mine.  
  
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I keeping you up?  
  
Well, yeah... but not exactly the sharp end of the point. He lowered his voice. Somebody's been making googly eyes at somebody else over the crab dip and I know why.   
  
Willow's eyes widened as she realized Lorne had read her in her sleep. She stood up, outraged. I do not make googly or... or any other kind of eyes. At anyone! Not since Kennedy... since she had to go... away... for little bit.   
  
Buffy pretended not to know what was going on, but she did know that Willow and Kennedy had some sort of falling out before the new slayer volunteered for her mission. She was waiting for Willow to bring it up, but even without confirmation, Buffy was pretty sure that Kennedy was not coming back.   
  
Willow was starting to get worked up. Her chest rose and fell with her quickened, anxious breathing.   
  
Hey... easy there, Willow Tree. It's okay. Lorne soothed.   
  
Please don't--  
  
Look... I just thought you might like a little advice.  
  
Well I DON'T!  
  
Okay, okay! Sorry. Geez. I really put my big green foot into it this time, haven't I? Lorne put his hands up in a gesture of surrender, the ice in his glass jingled. I'll just... get out of your personal space for a while.   
  
He began to walk away but stopped and thought for moment. He just couldn't leave it like this. Lorne turned back to Willow, put a hand on her shoulder and spoke very softly, It doesn't mean you didn't love Tara. The thing of it is, Sweetness, is that sometimes we just love... who we love.  
  
With that, he walked away. Instead of being curious as to what the hell that was all about, Buffy could only think that it would have been awfully helpful to have Lorne around a year or two ago. *Sometimes we just love who we love.* It was so simple. How she wished she could have had these moments of clarity when it actually mattered.   
  
And there it was. She was thinking about him again.   
  
She tried not to think of Spike. It never worked, but she tried. Sometimes the sadness overwhelmed her and it was hard to concentrate on anything else. Often, she would go over in her mind what she could have done differently... what she could have said to him the night before... how she could have made him believe her that day and mostly... how she could have saved him.   
  
The ubervamps were all dusted. Spike had done his job. It was enough. He didn't deserve to die along with them in that dark place. It didn't seem right that someone like Spike could be reduced to nothing but a pile of dust at the bottom of a crater in the Earth. He made such a huge impact on her life, it was impossible to think of him being just... gone.   
  
Sometimes she thought she could feel him. Like right now, as Willow stood beside her thinking loudly about whatever can of worms Lorne had opened, and as Faith played her tiresome games with Gunn and Robin... she could feel him. She was imagining it, of course, but she hadn't let herself think of Spike at all that day, so it was especially strong at that moment.   
  
She had always felt a strange tingling whenever Spike was around. Even when he was evil. She felt it the very first day she'd laid eyes on him, which was probably why he was never able to make a move without her knowing about it. She had chalked it up to some kind of weird vampire warning system for slayers although she hardly noticed it with any other vamps and wondered if maybe she wasn't imagining it like she was imagining it now. *Oh just go ahead an admit it! At least to yourself! It was kind of a sexy tingle! Because you were hot for him even back then you sick little monkey girl! Shame! Shame!*   
  
More latter day clarity. Buffy laughed softly to herself. That was new. It had been a while since she could actually laugh at a memory with Spike in it.   
  
What is it, Buffy? Willow was smiling at her.   
  
Sorry. I'm in my own little world over here.   
  
That's okay, I could use a chuckle. What were you thinking about?   
  
  
  
Willow put her head down, almost reverently.   
  
It's okay. I'm feeling okay today. About him. Buffy took a deep breath and convinced herself to believe her own words. It's time we started remembering the good times.  
  
Willow understood and sat down beside her. Okay, yeah. Yeah, like... remember that time when he was staying with Xander and had to wear his clothes? That Hawaiian shirt and those little pants?  
  
Buffy burst out laughing. Oh God! I forgot about that! That was truly bizarre. He looked so ridiculous! I remember thinking... I was gonna marry this guy?  
  
Willow stopped smiling.   
  
Buffy bumped shoulders with her. Come on, you remember. You did that wacky spell where we were betrothed?  
  
Yeah. Heh. So, are we at the stage of our lives were we can look back and laugh at that? Willow asked tentatively.  
  
Totally. We are way past the laughing about it stage into the stage where we think about it, sigh and say ahh, good times.'  
  
Ahh.. good times! Willow giggled happily, so glad to have her best friend back, at least for a little while. Okay, what else.   
  
Well, you weren't there for this, but remember that truce I made with Spike to help me fight Angel?   
  
Uhh... no.  
  
What? Come on. I told you about this!   
  
Um. No.   
  
Oh my God. I can't believe... well... anyway, Spike helped me defeat Angel. You know, when Angel was Evil Twin Boy, Buffy rolled her eyes. After seeing Spike both with and without a soul, it was hard for Buffy to talk about Angelus as if he were a different person... at least with a straight face.   
  
Wait. Spike HELPED you?   
  
Well, not exactly. He was still evil and everything. He wanted to make a deal. Giles for Drusilla. He was basically all jealous that Angel was trying to scam on Drusilla and wanted to help me kill him.   
  
Willow shrugged. I guess those motives are... kinda noble. I mean, it was all for the love of a woman. At least he's consistent.   
  
Buffy smiled a little sadly. After a thought filled pause, she shook off the emotion, Yeah, so anyway... he um... things were pretty bad. You were in the hospital, Giles was missing, I was on the lamb... and this cop stopped me in the park. He had his gun on me and everything. Well, suddenly this black and white blur just swoops in and wails on the cop. Knocks him totally unconscious... and I look up, and there, standing in the squad car's headlights is none other than Spike!  
  
Willow gasped. Buffy figured she was a kick-ass storyteller and continued, excitedly.   
  
I know! So, I'm like, What the hell?' And he's just standing there, grinning at me, you know, with that grin of his... and then he goes--  
  
Hello, Cutie.   
  
Buffy stopped... stopped everything... talking, breathing, even her heart ceased to beat for a second. That voice from behind her... it couldn't possibly be what it sounded like. *Who* it sounded like.   
  
She looked at Willow who's smiling face had faded into a mask of dull shock. Willow wasn't looking at Buffy anymore. She was looking just over Buffy's left shoulder.  
Very slowly, Buffy stood and started to turn around.   
  
She saw Xander first. He was walking toward her. Xander? Was that you? How did you-- Xander took her hands in his as if comforting her. Buffy was very confused. And then, Xander turned his head in the same direction in which Willow's eyes were focused.   
  
Buffy's heart started to pound... because suddenly she knew. Without looking, she knew. She let go of Xander's hands and turned fully around. On the way, she thought she heard Faith say, with a little wonderment in her voice.   
  
And then she heard nothing, because she was standing face to face with Spike.   
  
***  



	5. Chapter 5

The room was still.   
  
Buffy and Spike stood face to face, their eyes locked on one another. Invisible energy hummed around and between them.   
  
Xander wondered if maybe he should break the silence with a joke. He looked at Willow who seemed to be reading his mind. She shook her head almost imperceptibly, then reached up and took his hand, tugging him softly. He quietly sat down next to her.  
  
Finally, but very slowly, Buffy started walking toward Spike. As she moved, she scanned her brain, trying to remember if she'd ever dreamt of this, and if this was, in fact, just another of those dreams. It didn't seem real. Spike looked... different. His clothes were the same, his hair was the same, but something was different and she couldn't put her finger on it. Were Spike's eyes always that color blue? She couldn't remember now. Everything was so...   
  
Buffy stopped in front of Spike with only inches separating them and could feel him shaking. Without touching him, she could literally feel him shaking.   
  
Is this real? she asked him, quietly.  
  
It took him a second to find his voice again, and then he whispered, I don't know.  
  
It was him. There was no mistaking it now. The emotion is his shining eyes, that deep but gentle voice, the way his eyebrows jerked up unevenly when he spoke, the shrug of his shoulders, the curve of his mouth... this was Spike.   
  
Her Spike.   
  
Abruptly, she lunged forward and threw her arms around him, crying out as she did. Spike moaned in his throat and a tear slipped down his cheek as he buried his face in her hair. He held her tightly to him, lifted her and turned her once around. When he set her on her feet again, she pulled away and without any hesitation pressed her lips to his in an urgent kiss. Choosing to ignore the shock of it, he returned the kiss earnestly and pulled her impossibly closer to him. They kissed as though they were afraid they'd lose each other again and wanted to have something to remember. They kissed as though they couldn't get enough of each other.   
  
After a while, it seemed that the kiss wasn't going to end any time soon and the scoobs were getting uncomfortable. All but Andrew, who watched excitedly as though Buffy and Spike were his favorite television super-couple. Everyone else looked away politely, but Angel couldn't seem to drag his eyes away. He was trying to remember a time when Buffy kissed *him* that way... so desperate and so secure with each other at the same time. He was really trying to remember... wracking his brain... and nothing. Finally, he looked away.  
  
At which point, Buffy broke the kiss and jumped away from Spike. Her eyes were huge as she looked him up and down. Spike was panting and a little dazed. He tilted his head, questioning.   
  
You're human! Buffy gasped.  
  
Spike almost forgot. It took a minute for him to get his bearings. Oh. Oh... yeah. Um... He looked to Angel and then to Giles, neither of whom looked anxious to step in and heft some of the burden of exposition. He turned back to Buffy and stepped close to her again, taking her hands in his.   
  
I - I didn't even realize at first... Buffy stammered, ...but you're so warm. And... She took her hand and placed it on Spike's chest, where his heart thudded loudly. The strong, rapid pulse tickled her palm and she smiled. How did this happen?   
  
Spike put his hand over hers. This was it. This was the part where reality came crashing down. The other shoe was about to drop. (No pun intended.) Luv... we need to talk.  
  
Suddenly, Buffy became very aware that they were being watched. She looked around and found a few concerned faces staring back at her. Angel looked downright somber... even moreso than usual.   
  
Spike, what's going on?  
  
As Angel observed Buffy's body language, it was clear to him that although she had no idea why Spike was there or how it had come to pass, her instincts seemed to be telling her that if there was something or someone to distrust in the room, it certainly wasn't Spike. She stuck close to him and seemed to almost shy away from the others. It was as if she wanted Spike to take care of her and tell her that everything was all right now. Angel had never seen this side of Buffy before. He had the unpleasant realization that it was because he'd never seen her with Spike before... not like this.   
  
Angel could accept that Spike won the PTB door prize instead of him. He could accept that Buffy chose Spike to be her champion. He worked at his acceptance, every second he worked at it, and he thought he had perfected it. Until now. This, he just couldn't deal with. I gotta get out of here, he mumbled, and before anyone could protest, he had slipped out the way they had come in.   
  
It was a bit awkward for a minute, while everyone processed Angel's retreat.   
  
Finally, Giles stepped in. Buffy... there's a great deal to discuss. I think it's best we adjourn to Angel's office, where it's a bit more... em, private?   
  
Faith, who had been watching with interest the entire time, along with a riveted Gunn and Wood, threw up her hands. Hey, you don't have to go away on my account. I'll get the skinny later. Right now, we have work to do. Fellas?   
  
The men begrudgingly nodded and began to follow Faith out the door. Wood stopped. He turned to Spike and spoke without looking at him. What you did... in Sunnydale... It was good. He turned and left without waiting for Spike to respond.   
  
It was a lucky thing for Spike, who had no response. His mind was blown. Again.  
  
Giles' eyes fell on Andrew who was still watching all of this with a goofy, contented grin. I still think it's best to...  
  
Buffy looked around. Right, yeah, Dawn and the girls will be back soon and this place'll be grand central. Angel's office is quieter. Willow, if Dawn does come back... I'd like to be the one to...   
  
Absolutely, Buffy. Don't worry, Willow said. She was still pretty freaked out, herself, so she wanted to make sure they broke the news to Dawnie as gently as possible.  
  
Buffy nodded. Okay then, let's go. She was getting a bit worried about why Giles thought it was so important to have a private about this. Spike being alive should be a good thing. But this was her world, and good things never came without a price. She took Spike's hand and squeezed it tightly, looking up at him. You're coming too, right?  
  
Yeah. Of course. Spike squeezed her hand back. He wanted to tell her he wasn't going anywhere, but he bit it back. He wasn't sure how thrilled she would be with his newfound humanity after finding out what it had cost Angel. He didn't want to presume she would want him around after that.   
  
***  
  
It didn't take very long to explain. Afterwards, the room was quiet, but thick with tension.   
  
Buffy sat, wordlessly, with her hands in her lap. Why did the responsibility always seem to fall on her? She could never just be the happy bystander. She was happy... SO happy to have Spike back... but, because of her, Angel lost out on his one chance at freedom.   
  
Did she do the right thing? Hell if she knew. The real question was, would she have made the same choice if she had known?   
  
She looked up at Spike who was watching her carefully, like a child who was afraid of getting scolded by his teacher. She had the urge to laugh, but pushed it away, thinking it might be misinterpreted.   
  
Buffy, are you all right? Giles asked, tentatively. He also seemed afraid of incurring her wrath.   
  
What was she, the Hell Bitch? Okay... maybe a little on occasion, but what did they think she was going to do, start kicking ass? Wesley was inching his way toward the door with every passing minute. Guys are such wusses when it comes to the unpredictability of a woman's emotions.   
  
So, what were her emotions? She heard herself mumble to Giles that she needed a minute. A minute for what? What was she feeling? It struck her as odd that she didn't feel worse about Angel. This is what he'd been working toward for years and Buffy just up and plucked it from him. Even worse, she'd set it in the hands of Spike.   
  
Of course, she didn't know it at the time, so it hardly seemed like her fault. Although somehow she felt blamed, especially with Angel storming off in a huff like that. Okay, THAT'S what she was feeling... anger.   
  
She hated to kick a guy when he was down, but maybe she did still harbor a little resentment toward Angel for being the one who walked away first... not just tonight, but years ago. He was the one who left her broken hearted and alone... the one who only showed up in times of great crisis to remind her that she would never find a better man, before fading into the darkness like an hallucination. Even this past week, he'd been evading her. Sure he had a secret, but that was just standard procedure with Angel. There was always a part of him that he refused to share, a great big iron gate that was always closed to Buffy.   
  
And then there was Spike... who wore his emotions like girl scout patches. *This one is for my jealousy of Angel. This one is for loving a woman who dumped me. This one is for feeling impotent with a chip in my head. This one is for falling in love with my mortal enemy. This one is for getting a soul to make myself a better man.*  
  
Spike... a vampire who changed his spots, through sheer force of will. A *man* who wouldn't leave her... not even after she died, not even after HE died. Spike... who never gave up, and never let her give up, no matter what they'd been through.   
  
He WAS her champion.   
  
She had made the right decision. And if she had it to do over again, knowing the weight of her choice... she wouldn't change a thing.   
  
She finally looked up and met Spike's eyes. He thought he saw a ghost of a smile play across her lips.   
  
I'm glad your back.  
  
Still apprehensive, Spike urged her to say more.   
  
She smiled this time... really smiled. she teased, You have to promise never to go away again, because if you do I'll have to hunt you down and kill you. And if you're already dead, I'll kill you again... just for spite!   
  
He finally exhaled. Buffy was playing with him. That was a good sign but Spike wasn't sure how to proceed. His heart was beating so fast. How ridiculous would he be to have a heart attack and keel over dead after all this? Calm down, Spike, he told himself. Stop being such a bloody nance!   
  
And you! Buffy suddenly turned on Giles, who was just rubbing his tired eyes. Everyone jumped. Giles waited and she continued. Communication, Giles. It's key. Let's have some of that from now on, okay?   
  
Giles nodded and waited. There would certainly be more.   
  
He was right. There will be no more secrets and absolutely no more tests. I'd say Spike has done more than enough to earn a little trust and respect... from all of us.   
  
Giles looked over at Spike who looked away, embarrassed. Spike didn't really believe he'd earned anyone's trust just yet, especially not Rupert's.  
  
Giles said softly, You must realize I had your best interests at heart.  
  
Buffy took his hand. You always do, Giles, and I really do appreciate it, even if it doesn't seem that way... most of the time. But... even if you can never bring yourself to trust Spike, you CAN trust me. You should know that by now.  
  
Giles nodded, but didn't speak. He had a bit of a lump in his throat. She seemed so much older than her years, so much wiser than that little girl he'd met in the library so many years ago.   
  
Buffy smiled at him with tears in her eyes. This is what fathers do, she thought. They make you crazy, they meddle in your life, they drive you to rebellion... but in the end, they love you no matter what. And you love them. She thought of saying it to him, I love you, or maybe thank you for loving me so much, but they were not alone and Giles was way too British.   
  
She squeezed his hand instead and hoped he understood.   
  
After a moment, she asked, Do you think I could have a minute alone... with him?   
  
The hairs on the back of Spike's neck stood straight up.   
  
Giles hesitated a minute, then cleared his throat and nodded. Of course. We'll be just outside.   
  
On their way out, Buffy called out to Wesley. Thanks for your part in this, Wes. You did good.   
  
You're quite welcome, Buffy. He looked over at Spike and favored him with a wry smile. Good luck, Spike.   
  
Spike returned the smile, albeit halfheartedly, and then he was alone in the room with Buffy.  
  
She turned to him but her face gave nothing away. Spike tried to think of something to say, something sexy or charming or even sarcastic. Anything coherent would do. But as he watched Buffy walk over to him, his mind went totally blank.   
  
Maybe it was for the best, because she didn't seem to have talking on her mind. Without stopping she climbed right into his lap, took his face in her hands and kissed him, very softly, on the lips.   
  
Okay, he was mute but not paralyzed. He wrapped his arms around her tiny waist and pulled her closer to him, deepening the contact between them. After a few luscious moments, she pulled away, pressed her forehead to his and whispered, I missed you.   
  
Spike closed his eyes and ordered himself not to start blubbering. You did?  
  
Yeah. I did... Welcome home, Spike.   
  
***  
TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Giles and Wesley got bored waiting for Spike and Buffy to finish making out. They decided to take a ride to Wesley's new office and use the extensive library to create a comprehensive final exam for Robin Wood. Watcher fun.   
  
Andrew and Xander had given Willow the lowdown on the Spike situation and were in the midst of gossiping about it when Dawn and a handful of other girls came streaming into the front doors of the lobby. Most of them were carrying two or three shopping bags each.   
  
And THAT'S the proper way to care for your lawn equipment. Xander said loudly, trying to cover. Andrew just kind of squinted at him and Willow raised an eyebrow.  
  
Really smooth, she teased.  
  
Dawn didn't notice. She was too busy giggling and chatting about fashion with the other girls. Now that the harbingers of doom were squished, it was much more fun to have a bunch of girls her age to hang around with. Janice and her family had moved weeks before the Sunnydale armageddon and Dawn didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. She missed Janice. She missed school. She missed having her own friends, but these potential slayers were no slouches when it came to spending sprees at the Beverly Center, and that was of the good.  
  
She finally noticed Willow and the others sitting by Angel's office and strolled over to them, swinging her big brown bags. Have I mentioned yet that I love Los Angeles? This place is like... the promised land. I mean, you can't swing a dead rat around without hitting a mall and none of the ones here know me as... she put a hand up to the side of her mouth and stage whispered, Klepto Girl. She giggled and held up her shopping bags. Anyway, I can finally see the upside to my closet being at the bottom of a big hole in the earth.   
  
The three just grinned back at her, their minds on other things. Willow was thinking that Spike and Buffy were still in Angel's office and hoped they wouldn't just pop out at any minute. She was trying to figure a way to get Dawn upstairs, or possibly alert Buffy to Dawn's presence.   
  
Dawn finally noticed that they were behaving a little... off. She thought about it a minute, then realized. She dug into the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out a credit card. Here you go, Xand. Thank you SO much. She leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek.   
  
Xander was a bit flustered for a second, then nodded a you're welcome, and took out his wallet to put the card back.  
  
And I plan to pay you back... you know if I ever... go back to school or get a real job.  
  
Dawn, it's no big, really. I'm glad I can do this for you. Xander gave her a sweet smile. You saved my life back in Sunnydale, the least I can do is get you a few... whatever you gots. He gestured toward her bags.  
  
I saved your life? Really?  
  
Willow was giving Xander the anxious eye. He was being too chatty and they had to get rid of Dawn. Xander quickly stood up and put an arm around Dawn's shoulders. Yeah... yeah, of course. He not-so-subtley turned her around and started to walk with her, toward the stairs. The other girls were already on their way up to put their new things away. I was all eye patchy and my balance was off... if it hadn't been for you I'd be toast.   
  
Dawn felt a small tug on her heartstrings. Aww. Well... I don't think I did very much, but it's nice of you to think so. And rest assured that there will be no toasted Xander on my watch... ever.  
  
Xander smiled down at the beautiful girl and kissed her on her forehead. I appreciate that. Now go... go try on your little outfits and stuff.   
  
Dawn fought past residual Xander crushage and realized that something was afoot. They were trying to get rid of her and she wanted to know why. She set her bags down.  
  
What are you doing? Xander asked, a bit more urgently than he'd intended.  
  
Dawn put her hands on her hips. What's going on, Xander?  
  
She was staring at him with the Dawn means business eyes and he collapsed under the pressure like a flan in a cupboard.*  
  
Willow tried to save it. Nothing's going on, Dawnie... really... we just...  
  
Have a surprise for you, Andrew finished.  
  
Willow turned around and glared at him. Andrew winced a little but sassed back. What? We do! He turned back to Dawn. It's... baking... in the kitchen, downstairs. I made lemon bars.   
  
Dawn peered at Andrew with knitted brows. Do you think I donated my brain to science? I can TELL something's going on. I'm gonna find out anyway, I always do... so you might as well--  
  
Dawn stopped when she saw Buffy emerge from the office.   
  
Buffy was alone. She'd heard the commotion and figured now was as good a time as any to get this over with. Hey, Dawn... come here a sec. She shut the office door behind her and walked out into the lobby.   
  
Dawn was getting a little worried. She thought it was just sneaky gossip stuff that they were hiding, but it was starting to seem much more serious than that. She walked over to meet her sister, concern standing out on her face. What? What is it?  
  
Buffy gave Dawn a smile. It's not a bad thing. It's just... uhh... I don't... I'm not sure how to...  
  
Buffy! Just tell me!   
  
It's about Spike.  
  
Dawn paused. She wasn't ready for that. She didn't like to talk about Spike. She hardly even let herself think of him. Not because she didn't miss him or care about what he did for them, but because she hated the fact that she didn't get the chance to make things right with Spike before he died.   
  
They were friends once, Dawn and Spike, and he took TWO of the worst beatings of his life to protect her.   
  
Because of that, she had upgraded from a simple, girlie crush to flat out hero worship. But then something happened to shatter her idealized picture of him. She had to wade through a lot of grief just to get to a point where she could feel anger toward him. And when she finally did, she stayed angry... maybe for too long.   
  
What about Spike? Dawn asked, apprehensively.  
  
He... he's... God, there's really no way to say this casually, is there?   
  
Dawn leaned in and took her by the arms. Buffy, you're scaring me. What are you talking about?   
  
This was much harder than she thought it would be, Buffy tried to find words. She looked to Xander and Willow for help, but they wouldn't meet her eyes. They were like kids in class who don't know the homework and are afraid they'll be called on. Just... gimme a minute... let's sit down.   
  
I don't want to sit down! Buffy! Just tell me!  
  
The office door opened and Spike stepped out. Hey, Nibblet.   
  
Dawn's eyes went huge.   
  
Buffy watched Dawn a moment, to make sure she wasn't going to faint, then spun around and glowered at Spike. What the hell are you doing?  
  
Spike said as calmly as possible, I know you wanted to break it gently, but I was listening at the door and... no offense, luv, but you've gone tits up. She's completely freaked out. Look at her.  
  
Buffy turned to Dawn who stood perfectly still, her giant eyes still fixated on Spike. I didn't do this! If anyone freaked her out it's you, you big freak!  
  
Oh, I'm a freak? That's right, like I'm the only one here who's come back from the dead!  
  
Which is why I wanted to handle this situation differently!  
  
Well, instead, you went tits up!  
  
Stop using that expression! It's disgusting!  
  
Dawn yelled. Having an aneurism here, does anybody care?!   
  
Buffy went to Dawn and held her hand. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Dawnie, are you okay?   
  
I'm... I'm fine. I think. I just can't believe...   
  
She let go of Buffy's hand and slowly walked over to Spike. Standing face to face, he gave her a friendly, but nervous smile. In response, Dawn gave him a hard poke in the chest.   
  
OW! What the hell was that for?   
  
You're not The First?   
  
No! And Ow! He poked her in the shoulder.  
  
Don't poke me! she poked him back even harder.  
  
Spike poked her back. You poked me first.  
  
I was (poke) checking to see if you were evil!  
  
Well I'm (poke) not! So knock it off!  
  
I'll stop if you (poke) stop.  
  
Now they were grinning at each other as the others stood around watching and smiling. Buffy was very proud of Dawn. Growing up on the hellmouth may not have been the best life for Dawn, but it sure made her plenty resilient.   
  
Spike poked her again. It was more of a playful push. You stop first.   
  
Don't make me kick your ass, Dawn warned, crossing her arms.   
  
I'd like to see you try, he sneered back.   
  
Ignoring this, Dawn stepped closer to him, scrutinizing. You look human. Are you human?   
  
Spike was very impressed with her. He knew she'd be able to handle this well. She may have grown up a little too fast, seen too many things for such a young girl, but she was turning into an exceptionally bright and capable young woman. Yes, I'm human now. Aren't you the clever one?  
  
Pretty easy to tell a human from a vampire. How'd it happen?  
  
Long story.   
  
I like stories, she smiled. Maybe later you'll tell it to me.   
  
Spike remembered a much younger and smaller Dawn, sitting in a cold crypt with eyes wide and heart pumping, listening intently as he spun tales of William the Bloody, scourge of Europe. That's a date, pidge.   
  
Dawn looked around and suddenly felt self-conscious. She wanted to say more to him, but not with an audience. Well... I'd better... um... I'm sure you've got... stuff to do. After a pause, she asked, I'll see you later?   
  
It was such a simple question, but it touched Spike's heart. She was acting so casual about his return, he thought perhaps she wasn't happy to see him at all. Would have been content, in fact, if he'd remained a dusty memory. But, he could see in her eyes that she was holding back a little. What she really seemed to want to know was whether or not he was going to go away and leave her again. Poor kid. That's another lesson she learned too soon. People leave, people die... and sometimes they don't come back. But not this time.   
  
He took her hand and smiled at her warmly. I'm not going anywhere, Dawn, he whispered, fighting the lump in his throat.  
  
She couldn't stop them. Her tears fell freely. she said softly and stepped into him, circling her arms around his neck. She put her head on his shoulder and cried softly. I'm sick of missing you.   
  
***  
  
TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Robin Wood walked slowly and stiffly back to his room. He fumbled for his keys with one hand, pressing gently over his week-old stab wound with the other. He shouldn't have gone out patrolling so soon. He was an educated man and, rationally, he knew that he could have done serious damage to himself. But that damn woman was turning him into a macho idiot.   
  
He still hadn't convinced her to come with him. Her latest excuse was that Cleveland wouldn't have anything new to offer her since she'd already been to prison. Maybe it would be better if he and Faith went their separate ways. The throbbing pain in his lower right side was almost a warning that Faith would eventually be the death of him. Robin wasn't quite sure he cared.   
  
He entered his room, threw his keys on the night stand and turned on the light. Carefully, he removed his shirt so that he could examine his bandages in the mirror. The stitches hadn't pulled. That was a good thing. He let out a little sigh of relief. Then, he noticed something odd in the reflection of the room. There was something on his bed that wasn't there when he left. He turned slowly, hoping that whatever it was didn't need to be slayed in any way, because he wasn't quite up to it.   
  
When he finally recognized what it was, it took a minute for him to understand it. Finally, he sat down in one of the guest chairs and hung his head. There, draped over the edge of Robin's bed, was a black leather duster.   
  
***  
There was a soft knock at the door. Spike was just finishing up in the shower and quickly wrapped a towel around himself.  
  
Come in.  
  
Buffy poked her head into the room. You decent?   
  
he smiled.   
  
Buffy laughed softly and stepped into the room, closing the door behind her. Don't know why I even asked, she quipped.   
  
Spike laughed a bit and then the room fell silent again.   
  
They were both strangely nervous and ill at ease with each other all of a sudden. The initial dizzy joy of seeing each other again started to dissolve into a kind of insecurity about what would happen next.   
  
Spike felt silly just standing there, so he took another towel and started to dry his hair. Everyone tucked in for the night, then?  
  
Yeah... yeah. So, do you like your room?   
  
Spike's eyes fell on Buffy's busy hands. She always played with her hands when she was anxious. It's everything I've ever dreamed it could be, he snarked, and so much more.   
  
Buffy laughed a little. Good. That's good.   
  
What is it, love?  
  
Buffy seemed startled. What is what?  
  
You're fidgeting. And you're saying everything twice.  
  
I'm not! Buffy looked down at herself and saw that she was twisting her fingers around each other. She yanked her hands apart and forced them into her pockets. I'm not. She stopped again, realizing she had just said that for the second time, and exhaled her frustration, I'm just... full of nervous energy or something.   
  
Big day, he said, quietly.  
  
One of the biggest in... at least a week. she replied.   
  
Spike laughed.   
  
She laughed too, but then the room fell silent yet again. Spike suddenly felt a little too naked. He went over to the bed and picked up the clothes he had been wearing earlier. Gonna have to go shopping, tomorrow, he said, and pulled the shirt over his head.   
  
We all had to do it. The shopping thing. It's kind of fun at first... but then you start remembering all the things that got left behind and it gets kinda sad.   
  
He stopped and looked into her eyes. There was double meaning there, but he didn't know how to respond. He pulled his pants up under his towel and fastened them.   
  
Buffy looked away, politely, as he did so. You know, I'm sure I can find you something to sleep in. I mean... being human now, you might be uncomfortable and you might not be able to sleep. It's... bad when you can't sleep, she added, softly.  
  
A second later, Spike was standing next to her. Buffy? What's wrong? He put a tentative hand on her back. Why can't you sleep?   
  
She suddenly turned into him and slipped her arms around his middle, resting her head on his chest. This was unexpected, but lovely. He put his arms around her and held her head gently to him.   
  
She closed her eyes and sighed as she listened to his beating heart. I guess I... she began, then stopped. ...it's stupid.  
  
Tell me anyway. I promise I'll hardly mock you at all, he teased.   
  
She listened to the rumble in his chest as he spoke and it made her giddy and relaxed. Gee, thanks.  
  
Come on, Slayer, it's me. Just say it.  
  
After a moment, she began again, Remember... right before... the couple of nights before...  
  
Before? You mean before the battle of Sunnydale?  
  
she breathed shakily, Before the battle. Those last few nights, do you remember? With the sleeping?  
  
Spike's heart started to beat a little faster. In a million years, he never would have guessed that was what was on Buffy's mind. I remember.   
  
Well, I know it was only a few nights. But... I think I might have gotten too used to... because ever since then I can't sleep. Sometimes... She pulled away and looked into his eyes, Sometimes I imagine that you're with me and you're holding me. And those are the only times I can ever get any rest.  
  
Spike was astonished. He put a hand to her cheek. What are you saying?  
  
I'm saying if you don't ask me to stay here with you tonight I'm going to punch you. She laughed, very nervously, and waited.  
  
God how he wished it was enough, but things were different now. Without his demon, things were even more clear than when he was a weepy vampire with a soul. He couldn't go back to the way things were. As much as he ached to spend another night with her in his arms, he had to say no, until he could be sure she really wanted to be there... forever. Buffy, I... He trailed off, couldn't think of how to continue.   
  
She stepped away from him. You know what? It's okay. I totally understand. You just got back, and... She was making her way to the door. ...I know what that's like. You're overwhelmed. You have your whole life ahead of you. So many... decisions. She was breaking up, tears were starting to fall.  
  
Spike couldn't stand to see her in pain. It didn't matter if he got his heart broken again. Only she mattered. Nothing much had changed in that area. He got to her with two big steps and stood in front of the door. Don't go.   
  
No... really. It's okay, she said, barely able to speak through crying, I'm a grown up woman who should be able to sleep alone by now. Just because you're back doesn't mean... I don't want to use you again.   
  
His heart sank. Is that what you'd be doing?   
  
She looked up into his pain filled eyes and answered honestly, I don't know.  
  
He didn't move, couldn't move, as she slipped quietly around him and left the room.   
  
***  
Angel stumbled into his dark office at Wolfram and Hart after an hour or two of drinking alone in a bar down the street. He'd gotten hit on four times, by three women and one man. By the time the last woman came around, he was so apathetic that he almost went home with her. Why the hell not? What was he, saving himself? He certainly wasn't going to find perfect happiness tonight, so why shouldn't he indulge? He got as far as the street corner with her and stopped. He apologized and told her it was a bad idea, that he would just be using her. She grinned wickedly at him and told him she didn't mind. That's when Angel realized she was a vampire. He staked her, matter-of-factly, and decided that if he couldn't tell vamps from humans anymore, it was time to stop drinking.   
  
He could see his way around the office perfectly well in the dark, but that didn't stop him from tripping on his own feet and knocking over a priceless antique sitting on a pedestal by the door. Good, he thought. He felt like destroying more priceless things. He felt it was his right, for what had been done to him. Take that, Powers that Be! You took my son! You took my love! You took away my promise of humanity! So I'm taking... my expensive office decor... away from YOU. Yeah, that'll show em.   
  
Or... not.   
  
With impotent rage, he slammed the door behind him and trudged over to his desk, falling into the squeaky chair and putting his feet up.   
  
You seem down, Boss.   
  
Startled, Angel tried to sit up but ended up falling out of his chair. He quickly got to his feet and looked toward the direction of the familiar voice.   
  
  
  
Lilah snapped on the light next to the chair she was sitting in. Need a shoulder to cry on? she said, mockingly.  
  
What the hell are you doing here?  
  
I'm always here, Lilah said, not without a bit of sadness. I'm dead, remember? Enslaved to this place for all eternity...  
  
Angel sat down again. I didn't realize you couldn't leave.   
  
Lilah looked a little sheepish, Well... I can... but by the time I got back they had sublet my apartment.   
  
So you live here?   
  
She shrugged. There was no snappy comeback. She was embarrassed. After a minute, she feebly defended her digs, You know this place isn't so bad. There's a pool on the roof and a gym. A kitchen downstairs... all the comforts of home. You know, if your home... sucks.   
  
Angel caught himself almost feeling sorry for her and shook it off. Well, you should have told me. I have a hotel, remember?  
  
Oh, right. That's what you need, another wildly diverse personality moving into that place. Just throw in a bellhop with a little mustache and you've got yourself a zany, door-slamming farce.   
  
Okay, so that's a no. How about telling me what you're doing in my office.  
  
Could ask the same of you.  
  
It's my office, I don't have to have a reason. Your turn.  
  
I needed a change of scenery.  
  
You were sitting in the dark.  
  
What are you a detective?! Lilah yelled, losing her cool composure.   
  
Angel just gave her a look.  
  
She stood up, tugging at her suit and feeling stupid. Oh, right, I guess you are. She walked to the window and looked out at the city. I don't know. Sometimes I just gravitate toward this office. It's got the best view.  
  
You like to pretend it's yours, don't you?  
  
Yeah, little bit, she looked at him and nodded. He gave her kind of a half smile in return. She was quiet for a minute, looking at her shoes, deciding whether or not to bring up the touchy subject... but what the hell, So... I take it Buffy *wasn't* pissed that her really hot boyfriend was returned to her better than new.  
  
Angel was quiet for a long time, then, You think he's hot?  
  
Lilah smiled to herself. She walked over to his desk and hopped up on it, facing him. Oh, yeah. But that's my type, you know. The bad boy.  
  
But he isn't! That's what drives me crazy! Angel sat up, hollering. He's a big weenie, he always has been!  
  
Lilah gave him a look.   
  
he said, quieting down, relatively speaking.  
  
He was no Angelus, that's for sure, she said, rather pointedly.  
  
You know what, Lilah, I'd really like to be alone.  
  
Would you?  
  
Their eyes met and understanding passed between them.   
  
That's not what I meant, he muttered. I meant tonight.   
  
I know what you meant, she said softly, leaning in toward him, a little too close. But, you came out looking for something tonight. Maybe I can help you find it.   
  
Angel backed up in his chair. What is this? Are you hitting on me?   
  
She threw up her hands in exasperation. Way to ruin the moment! God, you're worse than an ape! She hopped off the desk.   
  
Angel stood up and got as far away from her as he could. What the hell, Lilah? What about Wesley?   
  
Oh yeah, I'd hate to do anything to ruin that perfect relationship we have. She folded her arms and started toward him. For the first time in a long time, Angel was scared. In case you haven't noticed, Angel, Wesley doesn't want me. And, I hate to be the one to say it, but it's perfectly clear that Buffy doesn't want you.  
  
Angel winced a bit.  
  
And poor Cordelia... well... she's a veg.   
  
That was enough. Angel stormed over to her and pushed her against the glass by her throat.   
  
She giggled a little, but there was fear in her eyes. Ooh, baby. I'm glad you remember how I like it.   
  
Angel felt himself fighting to keep his demon down. His demon, and... other things. This was not the first time Lilah had been able to bring these feelings out in him. He didn't know if he wanted to kill her or throw her on the desk and tear her clothes off. When you couldn't decide between the two, it was always a bad thing.   
  
She grinned at him, reading his mind.   
  
Kiss me, or kill me, Boss. But I'll tell you one thing-- He stopped her mouth with a burning kiss. She thought, for a moment, that he would push her right through the window with the force of it and they would both fall to their non-deaths on the street below. He let her put her arms around him and she grasped at the back of his neck, trying to hold herself up on her weakening knees.   
  
She never expected that this would be how she'd be spending her evening, but she certainly wasn't complaining.   
  
Suddenly and jarringly, he broke the kiss. Without even stopping to look at her, he spun around and stormed out of the office, leaving her alone, sagging against the glass and panting.   
  
I'll just catch up with you later, then, she muttered, before sliding down the glass, making loud, streaking noises as she did so.   
  
***  
TBC... Don't worry! Spuffy is coming!


	8. Chapter 8

  
Buffy sat alone in the large, restaurant style kitchen, pushing at the ice cream in the little container sitting in front of her. She wasn't hungry anymore. She didn't know what she was feeling, but she knew she was damn tired of feeling it.   
  
All she wanted to do was go up to Spike's room, crawl into bed with him and forget about everything for a while. But things were different now. Spike was human, and had a future. A real future. She didn't want to mess things up for him by starting in with the same old tortured crap. He deserved better.   
  
She heard Spike telling Dawn, earlier that night, that he wasn't going anywhere. Buffy hoped it was true. No matter what happened between them, the thought of Spike being gone from their lives again just terrified her. But what did that mean? Was she just being selfish again? She told him once that she wasn't ready for him not to be around, and at that pitifully ungrateful request he decided to stay.  
  
But Spike had a right to live his own life, without her, now more than ever. He came back from the dead not knowing if he would ever see her again, so the old *everything for the girl* Spike must really have checked out with the demon inside of him. She had to admit to herself, that's what worried her the most. Could he still love her as much, without his demon, the part of him that was drawn to her darkness? Her rational mind told her that was nonsense. She saw the look in his eyes tonight, before she left his room. His heart was breaking. So why did she feel so unsure?   
  
She pushed at the melting ice cream some more. This was a bad idea. The kitchen was too quiet and it was way too easy to hear herself think.   
  
Irony stepped in, as it always does, and she suddenly heard the service elevator doors slide open, then close with a clacking sound. She heard footsteps getting closer and knew who they belonged to. No one else would be up this late.   
  
What are you doing up?  
  
Hello to you too, Angel.  
  
Angel couldn't meet her eyes. Sorry, I... I didn't know anyone would be down here. I... need to...   
  
He opened the fridge and took out a container of blood.  
  
Buffy remembered that Angel usually fed alone. He was always squeamish about doing so in front of people, especially her.   
  
You know, I've seen you drink blood before. Some of it was even mine. She said this in a light tone, but he didn't seem to think it was funny. Sorry... I'll just get out of your hair.  
  
She hopped off the stool, put her ice cream back in the freezer and was about to leave when he called after her.   
  
Why aren't you with him?  
  
She stopped and turned around. I'm not sure.   
  
Angel popped the container of blood into the microwave and set the timer. Trouble in paradise already? That didn't take long.   
  
Buffy was shocked by his attempt to hurt her. It quickly dissolved into anger, Angel, when are you going to stop acting like I dumped you for Spike?  
  
Isn't that what you did? he muttered, hating himself even as the words left his mouth.   
  
Dumped what? The idea of you? The ghost of Angel past and future? Buffy wasn't planning on having this conversation with him tonight, she was still a little too angry from his big, dramatic exit earlier and she was likely to say things she'd regret later. But she just couldn't stop herself. In case you missed a few chapters, you were out of my life for a long time. By your own choice. You dumped ME and left me all alone because we couldn't be together without you turning into a monster.  
  
The microwave beeped but Angel didn't move. He was frozen in place as her words cut into him.  
  
I'm sorry if I didn't pick up your subtle signals that I wasn't supposed to move on, Buffy continued. I didn't quite get that crying and pining over you was just another part of my sacred duty as a slayer... and that I had to remain unhappy and unfulfilled because some day you might be back to collect me if you ever got through perfecting your tortured act.  
  
Oh, isn't that cute, Angel said in low, angry tones, Now you're even starting to sound like Spike. He paused. This was a bad idea. They were both angry and confused. His reaction was to try and hurt her back, because she'd hurt him so badly, but one of them had to be the adult in this. Look. I'm sorry. Can we slow down a minute?  
  
Buffy just shrugged and stood there, waiting. Angel figured it was as good as he was going to get.   
  
Buffy, you know all I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. That's why I left. You don't know how much I wish things could have gone differently, but it's always been completely out of my control.   
  
Maybe... or maybe it was exactly the way you wanted it.   
  
What does that mean?   
  
She was quiet for a moment, not really sure if she wanted to go further. Too late now. She took a deep breath. Angel, if I came to you tonight and said that I changed my mind... that Giles and Wesley found a way to reverse things so that I could give you the Shanshu instead of Spike... would you accept it?   
  
Angel couldn't respond. Was that the case? Is that why she wasn't with Spike right now? He wanted his mouth to form the word but it wouldn't come.   
  
Buffy... what do you... are you...  
  
Just answer me, Angel. Yes or no.   
  
It took everything in him. Finally, he answered, Yes. Of course, yes.  
  
Buffy's face was cold and blank, but as she moved closer to him, he saw that she had tears in her eyes. She got so close that Angel backed off slightly, unreasonably worried that she would be able to smell Lilah on him.   
  
She looked up into his eyes and with a wavering voice, she said, You're a liar.  
  
Angel was stunned. It was a slap in the face. Buffy... what are you talking about?   
  
Her voice was shaky, but her tone was firm, Don't tell me that you would give it all up to be human for me... because I know it's a lie.   
  
Angel could sense her anger and tried as hard as he could to tread softly. Okay. You're gonna have to help me out here, because I'm lost. I really wish I knew what you were talking about... but I don't.  
  
She backed off a bit, crossed her arms over her chest and cast her eyes to the floor. When she spoke, it was nothing more than a whisper. When I came back... when Willow brought me back, two years ago... I came through with all my memories still intact... and one memory that was brand new. She forced herself to look up at him. Do you know which memory I'm talking about?  
  
Angel thought for a minute, his mind reeling. A new memory? That he knew about? It didn't make any sense. He hadn't even seen her-- Suddenly, he knew... and wished he didn't. Are you talking about the time you came here, to Los Angeles.... and...  
  
Buffy went on, eyes cast down again, Tara... she told me that when I came back, I was still me, but something got mixed up. I was put back together a little differently or something and I guess that's how the memory got through. I thought it was just a dream I'd had in Heaven at first, but then you called and it all came rushing back. I knew it was real, and I knew I wasn't supposed to remember. Which is probably why I was acting kinda weird when we met a few days after I came back.  
  
Angel was dumfounded. He thought he would spend an eternity being the only one who remembered that day. For twenty-four hours he was human. He and Buffy spent most of that time in bed together, laughing, eating, making love, making plans... It was amazing. It was perfect. But it couldn't last. I didn't realize...   
  
Whatever... was done... to make me forget, it worked like a charm. I didn't remember it then, not at all. All I knew was that I came to talk to you, to try to get you to open up a little... and I got nothing but a blank stare for my troubles. As usual, you had shut me out.  
  
Angel found his voice again. First of all, you didn't come to talk, you came to yell. And it was a little hard for me to be the smiling host and invite you to tea after all that had happened.   
  
Buffy opened her mouth to speak, stopped herself and then decided to say it. You mean after you gave up our future happiness, without even consulting me, so you could go be Supervamp again?  
  
He was losing patience very quickly. His instincts told him to grab her, shake her, throttle her if he had to, just to get her to stop saying these hateful things to him. It took him a minute to get himself under control. Then, quietly, he said, If you really do remember that day, you remember that I told you what I was going to do.  
  
Buffy couldn't believe that *this* was his argument. You told me literally one minute before it happened. Hey, honey, remember the perfect night we just spent together? Yeah, that's never gonna happen again, but don't worry, you won't remember anyway. You now have one minute before we self destruct.'   
  
You said you understood.  
  
I was lying! she cried, causing an echo in the large, empty kitchen. I had no choice, you had already made the decision without me! It's always YOUR CHOICE! Every decision that was made about us was made by you! And for the longest time I thought it was because you knew what was best. You were older... wiser... and it was for my own good and blah, blah, blah. And now I'm starting to realize that all of it was just an excuse to hide the fact that you just don't love me enough.  
  
Angel closed in on her, frowning darkly. His voice was almost a growl. I have never loved anything in my life the way I love you.   
  
She looked up into his dark eyes with total confidence. And it's still not enough. So what does that say about us?  
  
This stopped him. He looked away, confused. Buffy felt bad for him. She hated saying these things as much as he hated hearing them.   
  
She put a hand on his arm and spoke kindly. I'm the perfect girl for you, Angel... as long as you can't have me.  
  
Angel understood this a little too well. He protested, feebly, No, Buffy. That's not true.   
  
It is. It was so clear in her mind now. You don't want to be the Slayer's dopey human boyfriend, who sits on the sidelines and watches her fight. You like who you've become! You like the darkness and the creature of the night thing. You enjoy being the hero. And the best kind of hero... is the tortured kind.  
  
You're being really unfair.  
  
And you're lying to yourself. All this talk about forbidden love and how we can never be together and it's tearing us up... it's a good story for the Watcher Diaries, but as real life goes, it's pretty pathetic.   
  
Angel loomed over her, angry and shocked by her biting words. He didn't know how to respond. It almost looked as if he might hit her.   
  
If you want to hit me, just hit me, Angel. It'll be the first honest thing you've done in a long time.   
  
He glared at her another moment, then walked away, putting some distance between them. I don't need this, Buffy. Not from you. I don't deserve it.  
  
Buffy was on a roll and she wasn't about to back down now. Why? Because you're being so noble? You're allowing Spike to enjoy his reward that he rightfully earned and may even deserve MORE than you?  
  
Angel laughed, humorlessly. How did you get THERE?  
  
Spike went looking for his soul, she said simply.   
  
Yeah, for selfish reasons, he argued, He only did it for you. After he said it, Angel realized the stupidity of that statement.  
  
People keep saying that, but somehow I'm not seeing the part where that's a bad thing. Sorry. Angel had no response, so she continued. Look, Spike hurt me. He hurt me very badly, once. I hurt him too. We hurt each other. It was a great big old festival of pain. But Spike didn't leave me. Even when leaving really would have been for my own good, he stuck around. She smiled, remembering. He was always saying and doing the absolute wrong thing... and he took beating after beating for it. But he NEVER gave up. He kept on trying... until he got it right. It wasn't pretty, it wasn't a storybook, but I wouldn't change a second of it. Because now I know how much he loves me.  
  
Buffy, you know I love you. Off her look, Angel threw his hands up in exasperation. If you want me to prove it... I'll prove it. Find a spell! Reverse it all... give me the humanity! I'll do anything you want me to. I'll turn my back on everything I've built here in Los Angeles so I can sit on your sofa and watch tv with you. Okay? Is that what you want?   
  
Buffy was quiet for a while. She thought of a hundred flippant answers for that little tirade of his, but after serious thought, it had to be the truth. I wanted you... she said calmly, ...to fight for me. When it mattered.   
  
And there it was. It all came down to that. Angel didn't want to ask the next question. So you're saying it doesn't matter now?  
  
Tears began to fall from Buffy's wide, hazel eyes. A tiny part of her heart was breaking for Angel, but the rest of it soared, because she finally knew what she wanted... and who. What I'm saying, Angel, is that I love him.  
  
Somewhere between the lobby floor and the kitchen level, Andrew had managed to trap himself in the dumbwaiter. He thought he'd go for a ride and fetch himself a midnight snack. When he heard voices in the kitchen, he tried to pull himself back up. Instead, he got stuck. With nothing else to do, he was forced to listen to every juicy minute of Angel and Buffy's conversation. It was almost impossible to keep from oohing and ahhing at every word uttered. Especially that last part. But he didn't want to break it up. It was important that these issues were out on the table. He was just a fly on the wall. Or... IN the wall... to be more accurate.   
  
After a heavily silent moment, he heard Buffy speak again. Her words were muffled but Andrew understood them, perfectly.  
  
I'm in love with Spike, she declared, with a smile in her voice, as if she was realizing it for the first time.   
  
At this, Andrew smiled and nodded.   
  
***  
TBC  
  



	9. Chapter 9

It was morning in Los Angeles, and all was quiet at the Hyperion Hotel...  
  
...for a good thirty seconds.  
  
Slam! Spike's door opened wide and hit the wall. He snuggled down into the blankets, ignoring it. Usually, when someone... when Buffy, came slamming into his crypt like this, he'd snap awake and stand up to face her. He didn't want to be caught sleeping and vulnerable. But his sarcophagus seemed so cozy this morning, and she was probably only there to strong-arm him into volunteering for another stupid mission. Possibly, the bite size sister had gotten herself into trouble again. That little girl was always...  
  
...bouncing up and down on his bed with a cheerful smile, telling him to--  
  
Wakie, wakie! It's morning, you're human and it's a beautiful day!  
  
Heavy sleep still tugged at Spike as he lay there on his back, staring blankly at Dawn while his vision and his mind slowly cleared.  
  
Suddenly, he felt a depression on the other side of the bed... and Andrew's face loomed over him like the mother ship. Up and at em, tiger. It's time to face the world.   
  
Okay, that was enough of a reality check.  
  
It all came crashing back, including last night's talk with Buffy, which put him in a foul mood that apparently carried over to morning. Do any of the doors in this bloody hotel lock properly?  
  
Dawn said, excitedly, You can open almost all of them with a credit card! I guess people in old fashioned times didn't steal as much.  
  
Or, possibly, didn't have credit cards. Andrew assisted.   
  
Spike frowned, then tried to turn over and go back to sleep.   
  
Dawn shook him. Come on! Don't you want to go out and frolic in the sun?  
  
He really did. Not so much the frolicking, but he did want to feel the sun on his face. For some reason, he felt self-conscious about admitting it. He didn't want everyone ogling him as if he were some slime-covered baby calf taking it's first wobbly steps into the world. Bollocks to that. I'm tired. Not quite used to waking up with the chirping birdies.  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes. So... what? You have vamp lag?   
  
He squinted up at her. That's terrible! How long were you waiting to use that?  
  
She shrugged, coyly.   
  
Spike shook his head, genuinely aghast. And it's terrible! Just awful. Honestly, Dawn. Don't say that again.   
  
Okay, I'll never be a stand up comedian. Just shut up and get out of bed, already.  
  
Well... I can't just yet.  
  
Come on, stop acting all cool-- Dawn went to yank the covers off of Spike but he grabbed them before they got past his shirtless torso.   
  
Not the best idea, love.  
  
Dawn looked at him, nonplussed.   
  
Andrew said, with some reverence. He's naked.  
  
Dawn stood up suddenly. Andrew did not. He just stared at the bunched up covers and said, Spike sleeps naked.  
  
Which, by the way, is why I'm standing out here. This was from Xander, who had been listening from the hall the whole time at a nice, heterosexual distance.   
  
I did _try_ not to be naked, Spike said, shooting for an apologetic tone, I used to sleep in my jeans all the time in the basement, back at the house. Had to be sure none of the peeping teens got a free show. But last night I just needed to... get rid of them. They were pinching, he added, prissily.  
  
You know, Xander said, stepping into the room a little. There was this great invention a few years back that you might want to check out to avoid future situations such as this. It's called UNDERWEAR!  
  
Hey, I didn't ask you break into my sodding room!  
  
_And what the hell are you doing here anyway?_ Spike wanted to add, but did not. Xander was probably there to watch over the bit. It gave Spike a surge of inappropriate pride that Xander still thought of him as dangerous.  
  
He could see that Xander was about to start yelling back at him, but stopped and seemed to change tactics, You know what? You're right. We overstepped our bounds. Dawn was excited and wanted to make sure you didn't sleep the day away, but you just come down when you're ready. Come on, guys, let's leave him alone.  
  
Well, now Spike felt like a shit. He watched as Dawn and Andrew began their sad-faced exodus, following Xander out.  
  
Well... wait. You don't have to go. I mean... I have to get dressed, so you have to go. But... I don't... want...  
  
They were smiling at him. And Spike was very relieved, because he now freely admitted - to himself... only - that he truly cared about these people. Not just the Summers girls, but the whole band of buggered.   
  
They kept on smiling, and Spike was suddenly very interested in picking at a loose thread on one of his blankets. You know, if you were any kind of decent people you would have brought me breakfast.  
  
Dawn beamed. She skipped over to the bed and kissed Spike on his cheek. We'll do way better than that! We're taking you to IHOP, my friend! But you have to put clothes on first because no pants, no service.   
  
Elitist bastards. Spike smiled, a bit shyly. Well, I supposed I'll have to accommodate them. So is... Don't do it. Don't ruin this by asking after Buffy. Is Red coming?  
  
Actually, no, Xander said, smiling, She's already got breakfast plans.   
  
***  
  
There was a cage in the Hyperion basement that was last used to hold the de-souled Angelus. This morning, Willow was nervously making her way toward it with a tray full of food.   
  
She stopped when she got to the bars and tried to at least pretend she was averting her eyes. It's morning, she said, cheerfully, Full moon madness is over... are you hungry?  
  
Oz stretched lazily for a moment, enjoying the sound of Willow's voice first thing in the morning. Then, suddenly, his eyes snapped open as he realized he was naked. He sat up, quickly but groggily, and pulled the tattered blanket into his lap.   
  
I could eat.  
  
***  
  
Dawn and Andrew had gone downstairs but Xander remained, chatting with a now fully dressed Spike as he smoothed out his hair in front of the mirror.  
  
Yeah, Oz was actually living out in Venice Beach when he saw the Sunnydale sink hole on the news, Xander explained. He figured Angel would know what happened and came over to find out if everyone was okay. He was already here when we showed up.  
  
I've heard a lot about this wolf boy, Spike said, in a mock-surly tone. Only met him once and we didn't exactly have the chance to get to know each other, what with him pointing two crossbows at me.  
  
Can't blame the guy for that.   
  
Course not. It's just that... well, he sounds more interesting than me. I may have to hate him.  
  
Hate Oz? Xander pondered the idea. I don't know if such a thing is possible. But if it is, you'd be the pioneer.   
  
How's Willow taking it?  
  
Xander looked at him. Are we having a civilized conversation?  
  
I was wondering when you'd notice. I didn't want to say anything.  
  
They both laughed a little. Spike smiled at Xander and something passed between them. Something that was much better left unsaid. Xander picked it up where he'd dropped it. Uh... yeah, Willow's okay I guess. I think she's a little confused.  
  
Yeah, that's going around, Spike mumbled. Maybe we should start a support group or something.   
  
Xander was getting too weirded out. Spike was being so... likable. Something had to be done about it. Yeah... so, are you thinking of being done soon? With the primping?  
  
Just give me five more seconds.  
  
Xander let out a big, impatient sigh. I can already tell that this reflection thing is gonna slow you down, he snarked.  
  
Spike continued to fuss. I can't get it right. Do you think... I don't know... maybe I should grow it out. The bleach I mean.  
  
It does kind of scream aging rock star.  
  
Spike glowered at Xander. I look younger than you, you great lump!   
  
Xander laughed. Neat. Looks like I found the panic button! Hey man, if you plan on sticking with this human thing you're gonna have to face it. We're all gonna get old. And, just like that, Xander's mood fell. Well, most of us, anyway. Some of won't be as lucky.   
  
Spike could practically read Xander's mind. He paused for a minute, wondering how to proceed. He decided not to beat about the bush.  
  
She's all right, Harris.  
  
  
  
Anya. I don't know if I'm supposed to tell you this. I hope I don't get smited or the like, but... I saw her, before I came back. She's okay. Better than.  
  
Xander was frozen. He had tears in his eyes, then seemed to realize he had tears in his eyes in front of Spike. He cleared his throat, looked down at his shoes and kicked at the carpet.   
  
What do you mean, you saw her? She talked to you?  
  
She did.  
  
Another long pause, then, What did she say?  
  
She... said I'm supposed to take care of you.  
  
This kind of pissed Xander off. What the hell is that supposed to mean?  
  
Spike understood Xander's reaction. Wasn't gonna let that get in the way, of course. Well, I don't know, do I? But if you need someone to change your wet nappies you can count me the hell out!  
  
You're not even strong anymore and... why does she always have to emasculate me! Even in death she-- Xander couldn't hide his tears anymore. He didn't burst into a sob, he just went silent, looked away and then discreetly wiped at his face.   
  
Spike was very uncomfortable seeing this side of Xander. He didn't know what to do but, having been on the crying side of things more than a few times, he just said what he, himself, would have liked to hear.  
  
She loves you very much.  
  
I should have married her, Xander said softly. I'm such an idiot.  
  
Well... yeah, the corner of Spike's mouth drew up in a grin.  
  
Xander saw that he was teasing and let himself relax a bit. He took a couple of deep breaths, put his hands in his pockets and decided this was a little too much for him to deal with before breakfast.   
  
Are you done now, Susan? Can we go?   
  
Spike took one more glance, smoothed one more time, took a breath and decided to quit stalling. Time to face the world, yeah?   
  
Xander nodded, understanding.   
  
***  
  
Willow and Oz sat side by side, quietly eating their breakfast.   
  
Did I miss any excitement? Oz asked, before biting into his toast.  
  
Oh! Yeah! I almost forgot... there was much in the way of excitement last night, Willow said.   
  
Vampire variety?  
  
Well, sort of. Spike came back. From the dead... only he's not dead now, or even undead. He's human.  
  
Human? Weird.  
  
I know. Willow smiled. It has to do with some amulet. I still don't think I understand the whole story. All I know is that he has a pulse and no more sun allergy.  
  
Good or evil?  
  
Oh. Good. Definitely of the good.  
  
Oz thought about this for a second, nodded and said, before taking a sip of O.J.  
  
Willow smiled at him. That was exactly what she was thinking... Nice.  
  
  
***


	10. Chapter 10

There was an awful lot of chattering going on downstairs, which oddly turned to silence when Buffy got to the mid-landing of the lobby staircase. She paused there, watching her friends pretend they weren't just gossiping at an alarming speed, and a suspicious smile formed on her lips.   
  
Hey, Buffy! perked Willow, as if she'd just noticed Buffy standing there. You're finally up!  
  
Yeah, I kinda had a late night. Buffy yawned, and failed to notice the pointed looks going on right under her nose.   
  
Andrew was the reason for it all. When Xander fished him out of the dumbwaiter that morning, Andrew couldn't wait to do two things... tell everyone what Buffy had said to Angel, and urinate. In that order.   
  
Xander took the news better than even he expected. He supposed there wasn't really a reason to hate Spike anymore. And even if there was, what Buffy did with her love life was none of his business. Losing Anya and other recent developments had given him more of a perspective on the complicated nature of love.   
  
Willow was glad that Buffy finally admitted her feelings for Spike, but wished she could have been there to witness Angel finally getting a well-deserved earful. Willow cared for Angel, but sometimes that guy could just be a great big lunk head.   
  
Oz was given the cliffs notes on the Buffy and Spike saga and couldn't be more confused on the matter. He decided to be happy that Willow was happy and reserve his judgement on the relationship until more information could be gathered.   
  
Dawn... well, Dawn was so excited, Xander had to all but muzzle her at breakfast that morning.   
  
Spike had clearly enjoyed their stroll to IHOP in the morning sun, but at the same time he looked a little lost and sad. He made a few jokes and was, for the most part, his usual cocky self, but he kept thanking them for inviting him along. Dawn couldn't stand it. Her heart was about to burst. During breakfast, she _totally inconspicuously_ mentioned that Buffy might want to talk to Spike later that day.  
  
For that, Xander pinched her leg under the table, making her jump. Spike gave them a suspicious look that strangely made Dawn blush. Did he think she and Xander were being sexy under the table? Ew! Well, not ew, but it was Xander! People weren't supposed to think sexiness was going on between her and Xander. He was all old... and too... muscle-y. And his hair--  
  
  
  
Buffy was waving a hand in front Dawn's face, blocking her sister's view of Xander.   
  
  
  
Where'd you go?   
  
  
  
Buffy just smiled and shook her head.  
  
Oh... nowhere. Dawn felt the blush coming on again. I just zoned out.   
  
Xander wasn't even paying attention; he was looking at something on his shoe. So, that was good.   
  
Nice of you to join the living, Dawn overcompensated.   
  
Okay, so I slept in! Buffy pushed her sister, playfully. It's not like I'm sleeping till sunset like some people who shall remain nameless because we mustn't speak ill of the undead. It was just a good-natured little jab. She and Angel had actually left things in a slightly uneasy yet friendly place last night.   
  
After some awkward silence following her admission, Angel claimed to know about her feelings for Spike. He mentioned something about their meeting back in Sunnydale and how it felt like she really had moved on. Then, he proceeded to tease her about Spike. He said he didn't want to be invited to the _white_ _wedding_ and that her babies would have ridiculous yellow hair and surly cockney accents. She let him have his silly say. Buffy knew he was hurting a lot more than he let on, but that was Angel's M.O. and there was nothing she could do about it. She had bigger, or actually slightly smaller, fish to fry.   
  
Anyone know if Spike is up yet? Buffy asked, trying hard for a breezy tone of voice.  
  
***  
  
Spike sat in one of the courtyard benches, not ready to come in out of the sun just yet. When Buffy saw him her heart surged. He looked amazing. She'd seen Spike in the daylight before, but she kind of hated him at the time and he kind of wanted to kill her, so it wasn't exactly a memory you keep close to your heart. This moment, however, was one she would never forget.   
  
Hey, look at you, she said softly, covering up the emotion,You're all sun-dapled. You could be in a commercial for fabric softener.  
  
He looked up, a bit startled at first, then smiled. His heart began thrumming out what he now thought of as the Buffy Beat. was the only thing he could think to say.  
  
Whatcha doin' out here all by yourself?  
  
Saying goodbye.  
  
  
  
Spike lifted his hand to show that he was holding a cigarette. Goodbye to these things. According to Dawn, they're very bad for you.   
  
Buffy breathed a sigh of relief, she's up on all the latest information, so I'd believe her if I were you.   
  
Spike smiled and took one last drag off of his cigarette, then flicked it to the dirt. She's fairly current on the latest fashion trends, as well.   
  
Ah, that explains the outfit. Buffy grinned. Spike was wearing a blue button down shirt that perfectly matched his eyes, and a pair of dark blue jeans. Yum.   
  
You don't really think I picked this out for myself, do you? I look like the cookie monster. He stood up from the bench and suddenly they were very close.   
  
Buffy looked up into his eyes and smiled, Well, maybe I'll give you cookie  
  
Spike wasn't sure what to make of that. He smiled, but he was a little uncomfortable with their proximity and the fact that she seemed to be in on some joke he wasn't aware of. So... did you sleep well?  
  
Yeah, really well, Buffy blurted, not really thinking.   
  
Oh... good. See there, you didn't need me after all.   
  
Spike moved away slightly, trying for a casual tone. Buffy absolutely adored this side of him. She loved him when he was dark and dangerous, she loved him when he was a sexy smart ass, but she loved him most of all when he was like this... bashful, insecure and tentative. It's not that she enjoyed seeing him in pain, and back when she was all confused she hated seeing him this way because it made her feel like the bad guy. But now... she could truly appreciate the softer side of Spike.   
  
I only slept well because I was exhausted. I was up pretty late last night.  
  
What, patrolling? Don't you have flunkies to do that for you now?  
  
Hey,just because I'm not the only slayer in town doesn't mean I'm gonna slack off and let everyone else have all the fun.  
  
Spike gave her a little, knowing grin.  
  
I mean... Buffy sneered at his gleefulness, ... do all the _work. _She crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. Why couldn't she ever get anything by him? It was annoying. And, dammit, comforting. I was up late... talking to Angel.  
  
Spike turned away. After a long pause, he said, Makes sense. I've had my share of coma inducing chats with Angel. You're lucky you came out of it so quickly. He began pulling leaves off of the rose bush he'd been pretending to admire. So what did you two lovlies chat about?  
  
Buffy smiled. Spike, don't hurt the plants, it's not what you're thinking.  
  
What am I thinking?  
  
My first guess would be lots of British curses about Angel. And then probably some stuff about how Angel and I rekindled our romance while you were gone and how seeing you yesterday only temporary confused me... and how last night I went to Angel to reassure him that you could never mean as much to me as he does and how we made love until the sun came up.   
  
Spike shrugged and pouted, Good guess.  
  
Buffy put her hands on her hips. Yeah, well I know how stupid you can be.  
  
Spike shook his head, looking at the ground. Well, it's none of my business anyway, is it?  
  
Buffy said, taking a step closer to him, forcing him to look at her. I'd like to make it your business.  
  
Spike turned and looked into her eyes, confusion wrinkling his brow.  
  
As a matter of fact, she took a deep breath and continued, I'd like to make just about everything in my life your business. She moved even closer to him and he watched in perplexed silence as she played with the buttons on his shirt. And, if you don't object too strongly, I'd like just about everything your life to be my business. One might even say I'd like us to _share_ our lives... you know... together.  
  
Spike was frozen. He couldn't even make sounds.  
  
Buffy waited. Are any of these words making sense to you?  
  
Spike simply shook his head   
  
Buffy smiled and laughed nervously. Look, I'm really not good at this... Obviously. I mean, I'm all but proposing and you're not getting the message. I already told you I loved you and you didn't believe me, so I--  
  
Spike reacted as if she'd thrown cold water on him.  
  
What? What's the matter?   
  
Buffy, I can't do this anymore.  
  
Her heart sank. Do what?  
  
This. These games. Last night you left my room saying you weren't sure if you'd be using me and today you show up saying... I don't know what... You had a long talk with Angel last night and suddenly realized you were deeply in love with me?   
  
Buffy smiled. Kinda yeah.  
  
Spike could hardly speak around the lump in his throat. He brought a hand up to angrily wipe away a tear. He hated his bloody stupid emotions, they always humiliated him. Buffy, please. I'm actually begging you, now. Don't do this to me.   
  
She took a step toward him but he moved away.  
  
I mean it. I can't... feel this way anymore.  
  
Tears welled up in Buffy's eyes. She knew she'd hurt him, but she didn't realize she'd hurt him this badly.   
  
Spike continued, without looking at her. I will love you forever. I've accepted that. But if I can't truly have you... all of you... the way I... need you, then I don't want any of it. Even if I can pretend for a little while that you feel the same, I know deep down that you're not really mine. And I can't keep getting my heart ripped out. I'm human now and I don't think I'll be able to take much more... Spike trailed off, sobbing quietly now. So much that he had to sit down on the bench again.  
  
Buffy was crying softly. Her heart aching to make him understand that she was his. That she did love him the way he needed. She found her legs carrying her toward him at the bench, and she crouched down in front of him, taking his hands in hers.   
  
Maybe I should be the one to go-- he was saying.   
  
Spike, stop it. Listen to me. Just look into my eyes and hear what I'm saying.  
  
Reluctantly, he met her deep gaze.  
  
Spike, you've always been able to read me like a book. You know things about me that I've never told anyone. Including you.  
  
Spike let himself smile a bit at this.  
  
Buffy continued. You know things about me that I don't even want to admit to myself. It's what drew me to you in the first place. And, it's what made me push you away.  
  
Spike watched her face, wondering where this was leading.   
  
I was so afraid... Buffy continued, earnestly, ...of getting hurt again. I think that's why I was so determined to make it work with Riley. I loved him, but not in any way that might destroy me the way Angel destroyed me. They way you might destroy me, if I let you.  
  
  
  
But last night, she squeezed his hands, urging him to let her finish, Last night I looked into my heart for the first time in a long time. And I was honest with myself for the first time in a long time. And I realized that do I love you with my whole heart.   
  
Spike tried to look away but she moved into his line of vision.  
  
And I have loved you for a very... long... time.  
  
Spike's heart was pounding. He wanted to believe it so badly. Why would she be saying these things to him if she didn't really mean them? She wasn't this cruel. She didn't say things she didn't mean. She never did.   
  
He spoke quietly, Why are you telling me this now? What's so different about today?  
  
She exhaled heavily, relieved that he at least wasn't trying to escape anymore. I told you. Last night, with Angel, we went three rounds and then I had an epiphany.  
  
Spike stood up. He was trying not to get too excited, but his dark mood was definitely lifting. About this epiphany, then. If you realized you loved me as much as old Peaches there, arent you still afraid of getting hurt?  
  
Buffy stood up as well. No. Because I don't love you as much as I loved Angel.  
  
It was like getting kicked in the stomach.   
  
Buffy moved in close so he would look at her face. I love you more, she stated, in a matter-of-fact tone.   
  
Spike was frozen. He couldn't move at all as she slipped her small hands around his waist.   
  
And even though I behaved like a total hag toward you for most of the time we've known each other, she smiled up at him and spoke with confidence, You never stopped loving me. So, what do I have to be afraid of?  
  
It was an eternity before the corners of Spike's mouth started to curl up into a smile. So... what you're saying is that you love me, then?  
  
That's what I'm saying. Buffy felt giddy and giggled a little as Spike took her hands from around his waist and held them in his.   
  
And this isn't at all an elaborate hoax to further torment and humilate me?   
  
Not that that doesn't sound like a good time, but... definately no.  
  
he said, quietly. Well... that's good.  
  
Buffy started to laugh, Are you still in shock?   
  
A bit, yeah.  
  
Maybe I can help. She tiptoed up and nuzzled his nose with her own, then pressed her mouth to his.   
  
He'd never known her to put this much of herself into a kiss before. It was more than want, or need. It was like nothing he'd ever experienced in his life. It wasn't just a kiss, it was a declaration.   
  
When she pulled away, they both swayed a little, feeling intoxicated. Spike looked down into her beautiful eyes and found what he was looking for in them. Any doubts he had about her true feelings blew away with the soft breeze that danced around the courtyard.   
  
I love you, Spike.   
  
He squinted down at her, Yes, you do.   
  
You keep getting at response wrong! She slapped his chest.   
  
He laughed loudly and it made her heart thump to see him so happy. After a moment, he took her hands in his and kissed her on the forehead. Buffy, I love you so much.  
  
Okay. That's more like it. She beamed up at him and they kissed again. Without warning, she hopped up and wrapped her legs around him, then pressed her forehead to his. I feel good. You make me feel good.   
  
That old evil grin of his surfaced and she almost lost control of her faculties right there. Come to my room and I'll make you feel even better, he practically growled.  
  
It took all of her strength to resist. Spike, it's the middle of the afternoon. Don't you think that's a little... tacky?  
  
Never stopped us before.  
  
But we're a real couple now. We should go on a date or something.  
  
A real couple now. He hadn't thought of it that way. He and Buffy were a couple. He put her down and stared at her with a goofy grin on his face.   
  
  
  
So... you're my girlfriend and stuff.  
  
She laughed, Yeah. Where've you been?  
  
I dunno, I... that's just... neat.  
  
She smiled and took his hand. You're kind of adorable. Come on, let's go get some lunch. It'll be our first official date.   
  
Does that mean I have to pay?  
  
  
  
Bollocks. This love thing is gonna cost me, I can feel it already.  
  
Yeah, but I'm worth it right?  
  
He stopped in his tracks and tugged on her hand. She turned to him and he pulled her into another deep, delicious kiss. When they parted he gazed into her eyes and spoke in a heavy voice, You're worth everything to me.  
  
She put her arms around his neck and squeezed tightly. He squeezed back and buried his face in her hair. This felt best of all. They enjoyed being in each other's arms for quite a while, then slowly, they pulled away.   
  
Come on, Buffy said, I'm starving.  
  
Hand in hand, they walked together, back into the Hyperion.   
  
After a quiet moment, Spike asked, So... did you have any other life altering realizations about me last night?  
  
Buffy took the bait, happily. Well... I realized that you were devastatingly handsome.  
  
  
  
  
  
'Bout time.  
  
  
  
Spike lifted an eyebrow.   
  
--But only in the sexy, sharp witted way, not clown funny.  
  
Spike nodded, satisfied.   
  
Buffy's face grew serious. And I realized I am so lucky that I don't have to face the rest of my life without you.  
  
Spike felt himself starting to tear up again and fought it off. God, he hated being such a bloody nance. You think you're lucky? He said, masking the emotion in his voice, I'm the luckiest bastard that ever lived. Just look who's holding my hand.  
  
They beamed at each other and their hearts were soaring as they walked together back into the hotel. Back to their friends who had been spying on them this whole time.  
  
TBC  
  
  
  



	11. Chapter 11

Everyone was all smiles at dinner that night.   
  
Buffy and Spike were downright giddy and it was affecting the whole room. Even Giles caught himself smiling a few times.   
  
They sat at a very large, very old dinner table that looked practically mideval. Wesley found it in one of the big storage rooms in the basement at Wolfram and Heart and had it brought over to accomodate the multitude of guests at the Hyperion. He thought the idea of everyone eating together was just what the group needed to heal from their various losses. Of course, it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that deep down he secretly wanted to run a bed and breakfast.   
  
Faith and Gunn were laughing and talking loudly down at one end of the table, opting against proper table manners to the horror of both Robin and Giles. Oz and Willow chatted with Buffy, Spike, Wesley and Fred, while Xander and Dawn played table football with their little potatoes. Andrew was relaying all of the day's gossip to Lorne and a few of the new slayers, embellishing here and there and making himself the key figure in the events that transpired.   
  
No one mentioned the conspicuous absence of Angel. It was pretty much understood that he wouldn't be making an appearance that night.   
  
Angel, in fact, was still in the hotel... he was in Cordelia's room, sitting by her bed and telling her about the conversation he had with Buffy the night before. He was simply pouring out all of his feelings about what Buffy had told him, his thoughts on Spike, the prophecy, Connor, the situation in Iraq... everything he'd been keeping to himself these past few weeks. He couldn't hold it in any longer. Even if Cordelia couldn't hear him, it felt so much better to get everything off his chest. To _not_ be the strong silent type, even if it was just for a little while. When he finally stopped to take a breath he took Cordelia's hand, held it and watched her face. To the casual observer, she was just a beautiful girl, sleeping peacefully, but after a while even the most casual of observers would notice that her body was too still, her eyelids didn't move to reflect dreams of being a famous Hollywood actress one day and her breath was too shallow and rythmic. Angel wondered if the Cordelia he knew was even in this body anymore. With tears welling in his eyes he whispered, I miss you, Cordy. He laid his head on her chest and for the first time since before even he could remember, Angel cried.   
  
It was a while before the sobs became sniffles, and he felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Who knew that letting emotions out also meant letting them go? Not that he was going to make a habit of this crying thing. He certainly wasn't going to turn into to a big flaming pansy like a certain ex-vampire he knew and hated. He sat up, wiped his eyes and instinctively checked around the room to make sure there were no witnesses.   
  
Okay, that ought to do me for a hundred or so years. He stood up and turned to leave. He took a couple of steps, stopped and turned back to place a soft kiss on Cordelia's lips. Thanks for listening. He turned again, toward the door, and was about to leave when he heard:  
  
Thank God you kissed me.  
  
Angel spun around. Impossibly, Cordelia's eyes were open. She was looking at him. I was afraid you were gonna talk me to death and then leave without so much as a twenty on the night stand.   
  
Was this real?   
  
Slowly and with great care, Cordelia pulled herself up to a sitting position. Ugh, I feel like I've got rickets. Except I don't really know what rickets are. She started to teeter backward again and Angel snapped out of it. He ran to her and steadied her.   
  
When he was confident in her ability to sit upright, he plopped down next to her on the bed, staring at her with amazement. This is unbelievable. Are you... how do you feel?  
  
Like I've been asleep for five months.  
  
Do you remember anything? Of what happened?  
Even the parts I wish I didn't.  
  
This is amazing. You're... I have to go get the others. Angel started to stand but Cordelia grabbed his sleeve.  
  
She urged him to sit beside her once more. Just a sec, okay? I don't know if I'm quite ready for the whole press conference just yet. Let's just... sit here for a minute and talk.  
  
Angel could only stare at her, his mind was a blank.  
  
Cordelia chuckled hoarsely. Or do you only like to talk to me when I'm in a coma?  
  
Oh. Holy. Mother. You heard that?  
  
She put an arm around him and pressed her forehead to his. Every word. So... were you crying for me or her?  
  
Angel was having a complete mental breakdown. Cordelia was awake when he thought he'd lost her for good... sure, that was a biggie, but he had never been caught having feelings before. That was huge. He stammered for a while, but couldn't think of a cover. The jig was up, so he decided to tell the truth. Both, I think.   
  
Rough couple of months, huh?   
  
It's getting better now.   
  
She smiled at him. It was the famous Cordelia smile that, he realized now, his heart had ached for all this time. Thanks for waking me up, Prince Charming.  
  
Thanks for waking up, Sleeping Beauty.  
  
Okay, due to extreme circumstances we are allowed to be cheesy just this once, but that's gonna have to be the end of it.   
  
Angel smiled and laughed,   
  
Good. Why'd you kiss me?  
  
That was abrupt. Uh... I don't know. I just... wanted to.  
  
Do you want to again?   
  
And again, he was thrown. Instead of wasting time searching for the right answer, he leaned in and kissed her a second time. This time, she kissed back. It was slow and deep and a long time coming. When they finally pulled apart, Cordelia giggled and covered her mouth. I'm sorry, must have the worst morning breath in history.   
  
Angel grinned, I didn't notice. He leaned in to kiss her again, briefly, then pulled away and swept her now much longer hair out of her face. Welcome back, Cordelia.  
***  
  
  



End file.
